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I'm not sure what's going to happen to this blog. Things are changing so dramatically in my life, I may remove all the content and start again. On the other hand...I'm a tenacious sort and have a tendency to find value in seeing the continuum, even if that includes the distress of painful changes.
So many emotions I move through on a daily basis...regret, anger, sorrow, resentment, confusion. It's exhausting. It's hard to see that I'm going to come out better on the other end. I've been misunderstood and even a little disregarded for months, even with the help of a counselor as middle man. I suppose I should just be happy for the change...but I'm not. I hold on to the good stuff...the companionship, the partnership, the whole of what's been built over 25 years. The bad stuff wasn't so bad to be unworkable (and I'll readily admit to my part in it all). I've always been of the mind that short of violence and gross dysfunction, there's a way to change my attitude, allow things to be as they are and *still* find happiness. But when there are two people involved, they both have to feel that way for that to work. And when there's impatience as far as the timeline...that doesn't help.
The precipice is at my feet and it's fucking scary. I will miss so much. At some point, I'll find a new place of comfort and contentment. The fear is going to be with me for a while, but I'll learn to just give it a nod and move forward. The feelings of unworthiness, being unwanted and somehow damaged...well, I'll keep working on those too. Yes, I may come out better than before, but it's really hard to see it now.
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