The Third Act

blood moon

Sunday morning...

I'm coming to the end of my fuji3000b stock (a pack film for one of my old Polaroids).  I should be more careful about what I'm doing with it...more thoughtful or creative or methodical.  But, as is often the case concerning the impulse to make pictures, the moment can sweep me away with a thought (but more often a feeling) that compels me to pick up this camera.

Somehow I jumped on the nostalgia train this morning.  Feelings of melancholy and loss were creeping up inside me like that damn English ivy on the trees in the yard.  Funny thing, pulling out the Polaroid to try and...what?...somehow illustrate these feeling?...was very liberating.  Maybe that's not so funny.  Maybe I intuitively know that's how to move into and through these moments.  Sometimes I think I know more than I give myself credit for.

 

 

cup of warmth

rough sandpaper hands

freezing and stiff from winter

cradle cup of warmth

 

winter

It's been enriching to live in a place with real winter.  After growing up in southern California, then living in central Arizona, and then moving back to California, this time in the northern part of the state, the colder months of the year were never really all that cold.  In none of those previous places of residence had I experienced living with snow.  Granted, Richmond Virginia isn't exactly the snow capital of, well, anywhere.  That being said, I do now own a snow shovel and know how to use it!  I like it!

Sure, winters are dark and yes, when freezing temperatures and gray skies carry on into late March, it can get old.  But there's something about nature resting that just feels right to me.  There's something about cold, invigorating air with bright sunshine that can shock my system in a good way.  And there's nothing quite like seeing a neighborhood blanketed with snow, revealing shapes and contours previously hidden from my eyes.

The last snowstorm was on the skimpy end of things.  There was more ice (or was it sleet?  it's hard for me to distinguish) than snow, I think.  Still, it was pretty.  There's only a little white left on the ground now like a threadbare quilt, with patches of leaves and tired ground cover showing through.  An arctic front is supposed to push its way through on Sunday evening.  But there's only minimal precipitation forecast (lots of wind, though, which makes me nervous).

With all that being said, it's the time of year when my thoughts occasionally turn to the garden.  What will I plant?  How can the garden be expanded?  When will the first bulbs start to bloom (and in fact, I've seen shoots already pushing up...and I tell them, "wait, wait, it's too soon!!")?  

The cycles, they do keep moving round and round.  And I get older and older...which is okay.  What a blessing to be alive, to continue to create, to connect, to love.

 

 

a little snow, but mostly icy rain

Another winter storm moved through the area.  Richmond only got a couple inches of snow before it changed over to freezing rain during the night.  Once I could actually hear the precipitation, especially the little pings of ice, I knew the snow was not for long.  It's pretty slushy outside on softer surfaces.  The streets and walkways seem to just be wet, which isn't a bad thing (as opposed to icy).  The dormant plants and trees look rather lovely, in their crystalline sheaths (which at this point don't seem to be doing damage).  It's cold out there though...or at least it feels really cold owing to the moisture in the air and zero sunshine.  It's a good day to stay inside (mostly)...and I took the opportunity to stay in my robe a bit longer this morning, sitting by the fire and sipping my tea.

In other news (or...something), there's been a challenge (I think that's what it's being called) on FB, for people showing how their profile pics have changed from when first on the site.  I felt like the most current photo of me, from August of last year, wasn't quite honest enough...so I made one today.  I've decided I look like a 60 year old and that's quite all right.  What a blessing to be 60 and have the good fortune to experience life!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am still here!

It feels a little weird to not blog every day, after doing so for an entire year.  But my new project has definitely filled in that time.  I'm surprised that the drawings I'm making every day are taking well over an hour to complete.  I thought this would be a quickie sort of daily practice.  That being said, I love that my time is going to this.  And I'm very curious as to how the drawings may evolve over the course of a year.

For the most part, I come to the pad with no real preconceived idea of what I'm going to draw.  Sometimes there might be a free form concept in my head, and other times there's nothing but some internal motivation to create in a certain direction.  The one time I tried to draw something more representational, I scrapped it because it just wasn't to my liking.  Let me be honest...it was just bad.  I never learned the proper way to draw and whether it's something in my head, or some weird fine motor control thing, or the fact I've never been instructed, the results when I try to depict a reality of what I see just don't please me.

In other news, I have all my lumen work framed for the show in February, up at Artist and Makers Studios in Rockville, MD.  There are still other things I need to work on to prepare for this.  I have to say I'm more than a little anxious about it.  But, the momentum is going forward so I'm just trying to follow the steps that are required of me.  That's not to say I'm not pleasantly excited.  Mostly, it's just a new experience which tends to cause a nervous response!

We're expecting another winter storm here in central Virginia.  How strange that it's been a month since our last winter storm.  Christmas has come and gone, my kids came to visit, New Years has come and gone, I visited California for my birthday, and here we are heading into mid January!  I don't mind the snow.  Ice isn't all that thrilling, however.  But at least we're getting some cold, which I think is good for the local flora and fauna, and that makes me happy.

 

 

into the new year...

What a wonderful holiday season (which included my 60th birthday on the 4th of January) I've had the pleasure to experience.  There was so much quality time with my kids and my sister and brother in law.  What a joy to just relax and connect, both here at home and out in the Bay Area.  While out west, a great visit with my friend and original dojo mate also happened.  We talked a lot about aikido, but that always ends up being about life too.

It's tricky sometimes, when I visit the Bay Area and all my loved ones.  There was a moment when I was driving over to meet up with my friend for lunch and I looked out over the east bay.  The hills all turning green, accented by dramatic clouds overhead made me catch my breath a bit.  A pang hit my gut, knowing this was no longer my home.  But I got over it, opening up to all my experiences in life, realizing that everything I hold dear is right within me.  How lucky am I, that I get to visit this awesome place and then go home to a life I can manage, which continues to offer me opportunities for growth and expansion?

I love returning to fix my first cuppa in a while.  Little things can provide ridiculously profound satisfaction.

 

january 3

Well folks, I did it.  I've completed 365 days of blog postings for my 59th year.  I guess that's...dedication?  Will I review all 365 posts?  Hmmmm...maybe, if I'm suffering from insomnia some night.  In truth it's been a great practice and I've (for the most part) enjoyed getting to it every day.

And today...is my son's birthday!  27 years ago he finally arrived (after three nights of me going in and out of labor).  I love him dearly.  That's true for both my kids...and their partners.  I'm so impressed with them all.  More than that, I like them immensely and enjoy our time together.

I'm looking forward to what my 60's will bring!

 

 

363(5)@59

january 2

My calculations are off.  The count for today's blog post is 362...it really should be 364.  I'm 99% sure I blogged every single day since my birthday on January 4, 2018.  But you know what?  There's no way I'm obsessive enough to go back and see where the numbers got skewed (well...not obsessive enough at this point in time anyway).

So, tomorrow will be my 365th post for this year.  This was my 59th year...I'm turning 60.  I figured that's part of what made this a good cycle for the project.  Maybe there's no real importance to ages that contain a zero...but to me, there is.  And 60...boy...what a trip.  I don't feel that different...at least not in my head.  Yeah, my body feels different than 30 years ago.  But despite all the aches, pains and other weirdness, I feel like I'm stronger...and I know I'm more adaptable.  Now, perhaps that's because changes have happened so incrementally that I don't really know what's what.  I do recognize the ways in which I've gained wisdom...or something like that.  I recognize the things that are really important to me.  While I still delight in silliness, in frivolity, in the humor of just being human, I'm not inclined to waste time (as much...after all, that being human thing).  For the most part, I'm more honest, although I still have lots to learn about boundaries.  Perhaps more importantly, I can be honest with myself, which includes compassion.  I have better access to my authentic nature.  I don't really much care what anyone else thinks about me (certainly not strangers).

I look forward to being 60.  I look forward to all the potential that's still within.  I'm excited to create, to love, to connect.  I'm excited to grow and evolve.  And I'm so grateful to feel so much love from those I care about.

Onward, then!  I don't know that I will be blogging every single day in my 60th year.  I'm easing myself into a new daily practice by making small drawings.  I don't "know" how to draw and I'm not trying to represent anything specific.  The drawings are more driven by ideas...concepts maybe.  Mostly, I'm looking for another way to keep my hands busy and my mind engaged in a different kind of creative expression.  I may post a weekly collage of the pieces...I don't know yet.  When I started this last 365 project, I told myself I'd just take it a day at a time and not get bent out of shape if I skipped days here and there.  It turns out I didn't miss any (or at least I don't think so...).  

 

 

 

 

362(or 4...)@59

january 1

New Year's days... 

I remember Mass, because it was a holy day of obligation (is it still?).

I remember bright southern California sunshine...maybe some frost on the lawn, maybe some snow capping Mt. Baldy.

If it was a cold and dry (not unusual for California winter) I remember how static would make my skirt stick to my tights.

I remember enjoying the Christmas tree, still holding a place of honor in the living room.  The scent would be strong and sweet by now, because the poor thing would definitely be drying out (even though kept in water). The tree would remain for almost another week until the feast of the Epiphany on January 6th.  This always pleased me because it meant the house would still have holiday decorations for my birthday on the 4th.

I remember watching the Rose Bowl parade on television.  My mom loved to watch parades.  One year I recall we even took a drive over to Pasadena to view the floats, well after the parade had ended.

I remember baked ham and kielbasa.  There would still be poppyseed cake (or maybe my mom baked a second batch after Christmas).  There was 7-up and perhaps Coke in the fridge, this seeming to be the only time of year those sodas were in the house.

I remember eating early because holiday dinners never started after sundown.  Afterward there would be a multitude of sweets, cookies, See's candy, leftover pazcki if we were lucky, fruitcake or fudge from family friends, all set on top of the white cloth that covered the dining room table (or maybe it was the pointsettia tablecloth by this time).  I'd have my fill of these (I don't remember many or any restrictions) and then go review my presents from Christmas which remained unwrapped, of course, but neatly stacked under the tree.  I have no idea why I left these things there so long.

The light of New Year's day would fade.  Invariably I watched something on TV, maybe there was a holiday special (or marathon of weird movies on one of the local channels).  I'd be excited for my upcoming birthday but a little sad for the holidays to end, having to head back to school, quite possibly the next day.  Still, even then I could feel a special kind of energy that was new and fresh and full of potential.

And today, fifty or so years later, I sit with my tea in a quiet house, the Christmas tree lit and candles burning.  I can hear the birds singing on this unusually warm New Year's morning, here on the opposite side of the country from where I spent most of my life.  I've got some work to do, and some creative play as well.  There's no ham baking, although black eyed peas are cooking.  There are no parades playing on the flat screen in the living room.  My mom is gone now and I thought of her and her delight in the Rose Bowl parade and how over the years she'd never miss the opportunity to call and wish a happy new year at midnight.  And in a weird, alternate way of keeping that tradition, I reached out to all my dear ones (not necessarily at midnight) by phone call or text or Skype, to spread those good wishes as well.  Happy new year!  May 2019 be a good one.

 

361@59