The Third Act

Thanksgiving day 2020

I hope you all have a lovely day, that you're connected in some form or fashion to those you love, that you have a roof over your head and food on the table.

Of course, I'm thankful for all that blesses my life...my family, friends that are supportive and interested in me, and all the fundamental necessities.  And from this rather privileged place I see I have a responsibility as well...to understand and empathize with those different from me, with those less fortunate and disenfranchised.  I could do more and will make that effort.

In the meantime, I'm also thankful to the part of me that keeps me going...keeps me going in the isolation and the ebb and flow of a strained psychological make up.  I do what I can to take care of myself.  Given who I am (or who I think I am), I gotta pat myself on the back a little.  I've been there for myself in the middle of night, in the scary times, in times of simply putting out a lot of effort both physical and mental.  I think those of us who may have a little more challenging emotional life might do well to acknowledge how we support ourselves in the many, sometimes small, sometimes large ways.  

I wish you all a lovely day.

 

 

Thanksgiving week, Wednesday

I've been living in Richmond, Virginia for well over six years now...time flies.  And while half of my psyche and heart remain in California, I feel a lot of gratitude for this adopted city I landed in.  It's given me an opportunity to live decently and within my means.  It's provided good food and interesting activities.  It's offered a wonderful arts community, with plenty ways to learn new things.  To add to all the above, it's a fairly central to the rest of the east coast, should I ever feel the desire to travel and see new places (or go back to old places...like Philly and NYC)...when it's safe to do so again.

If you'd asked me ten years ago, if I'd imagine I'd be living in what used to be the capitol of the confederacy, well, no I wouldn't have imagined that.  But this city has grown on me and there are occasions when I feel reasonably content here.  If my kids were located on the east coast, I'd feel pretty rooted.  As it is, I work my transplant as best I'm able...and I do fairly well.  I've never felt serious culture shock, which some folks find surprising.  But the city of Richmond has a lot of diversity and a good progressive contingent.  The people I've met have been friendly and kind and there are a fair bit of kindred spirits even in my own neighborhood.  

Virginia is a beautiful state.  It doesn't have quite the drama and range that California does, but it holds its own...especially in the autumn.  I do enjoy having four distinct seasons.  While I could do without the bugs and sweat of summer, all the other seasons are lovely.  I'd take a good snow or two this winter, if it were offered...just sayin'.  Time will tell.

 

 

 

 

Tuesday, Thanksgiving week...

I'm thankful for my home...for all the homes I've had in my life.  I've been blessed with stability where this particular subject is concerned, and that's no small thing.

Home and my intimate surroundings have always played a role in supporting my creativity.  I have made a few homes with a partner and a family, and an equal number on my own (although years-wise, more time has been spent in a shared abode).  Each scenario has its pros and cons...living alone allows for total creative expression, no one to say "you want to paint the wall what color?" but it's also less soul satisfying and can be lonely.  If I had the option to choose, my gut response would be, "of course I'd rather live with a loved one!"  But I also know I've grown to appreciate my autonomy in creating a space that is fine tuned to my preferences.  Life rarely provides an opportunity for me to tick off all the boxes on my "makes me most happy" list...so I learn to be grateful for what I have.

 

 

 

 

Thanksgiving week...

Monday...  I'm thankful for my Japanese maple, outside the living room window, and the show it's putting on this year.  Every autumn the colors seem a little different, based on rains, temperatures, and other environmental factors.  2020 gave this area a lot of precipitation.  While the temperatures have yo-yoed, there have been enough dips to get the color changes going.  In addition, it hasn't gotten super cold (say, a few nights in the low 20s) so the leaves have retained their integrity and not simply quick froze.  

So, yes, I'm thankful for the daily changes of color the Japanese maple is providing, as well as all the other color that has come to my little urban forest neighborhood this fall.

 

 

 

 

Sunday morning tea...

...after a night of interrupted sleep.

I went to bed early and fell into a nice slumber at a very decent hour (say, by 9:30pm).  Sometime in the night I woke (as I usually do) and could feel that sleep was going to be elusive for a while.  This doesn't always happen, but last night it did.  I tossed and turned, I read, I watched a couple YouTube videos, and my mind thought and thought and thought many thoughts.  I was a this close to getting up and starting some creative projects...but I held back.  At some point sleep returned.  Weird.  Well, not really that unusual as this is just a thing my body/brain does occasionally.  I know, as well, that the experience is connected to the low level anxiety, the isolation, and general strangeness of these times.  At least it doesn't totally overwhelm as it used to in the past.

The front yard waits for a bit of tidying.  There are organizational tasks downstairs in my creative space to address.  A bit of grocery shopping may round out my to-do list for the day.

It's strange to navigate these days that seem to simultaneously offer a feeling of tremendous potential (interior and creative) and a profound sense of frustration and concern.  

 

 

time to shine (for the Japanese maple)

Y'all are going to get tired of colorful leaves.  I'm just trying to keep at my daily practice.  Today was the first day, in this whole year, that I wondered why I even bother!  I don't like feeling that way and I'm not entirely sure why it's happening.  But...I bother because I've committed to sharing a little beauty, every day, for this entire, stinkin' 2020 and by golly, I'm going to do so!

 

 

 

This morning...

...I woke from an extremely pleasant dream.  I've had dreams like this before, but it's been a while.  In fact, over the past several years (and the last year specifically) my dreams have consisted of a lot of frustration and confusion.  Fortunately, nightmares in the classic sense don't usually afflict me.

As usual, my dream morphed and bent as it went along, introducing new characters or particulars to the situation.  The gist of this morning's foray into my subconscious had to do with moving into a new home.  At first this new home was a friend's, then my parents' (who are both deceased) and then it was mine.  In the beginning of the dream there was a fruit tree, hanging right over the walkway to the front door.  Friends (or family, I couldn't tell) were partaking of this fruit, which was supposed to be jujube (which is a real thing).  The fruit was red and oblong and people were saying it was quite sweet and juicy (I don't know why I didn't try any).  As things moved along the house grew in size and changed location, until it was a quite large, 1940's-ish, multi-level home right on the bayside across from San Francisco (oh, and it was pink).  There were a lot of people at the house...housewarming maybe?  I went into the back yard, which was a spacious blank canvas, and saw multitudes of books and art that people seemed to be categorizing.  I realized at the time that since I (?) now owned this house, all those books and artworks were mine.  It wasn't like on the surface there were lots of rare or valuable items in this collection and the people there getting rid of these pieces had no intention of doing anything special with them.  I talked to one of the workers and she confirmed that I could have or do whatever I wanted with any of the items that were there.  I was filled with delight and inspiration!

Now, with dreams, for me, it's less about the details and more about the general feeling I take away from the experience.  This was one, that happen occasionally but not often, in which I felt abundance and potential.  If I were to examine what it was that felt exciting, it was access to art and knowledge.  And if I take that further, maybe my own subconscious was reminding me that the potential for both of these lie within.

So, not a bad way to start a Friday morning.

 

 

a frosty November morning...

I love the chill this morning and the frost that has settled here and there.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

chasing autumn

It's been the perfect autumn day...under 50F, sunny, not too breezy.  The wood stove down stairs has been going all day, even though a good hour or so was spent in the back yard leaf wrangling.  The back yard, by the way, looks quite spiffy at the moment (there are still a few more leaves to fall, but the bulk has come down).

I'm having to push myself through tasks today...well, some tasks.  That's the interesting thing...when I'm actively inspired to pick up my camera (usually by the light, but some times by an idea), I could go on and on, leaving all other duties to wait.  But, there are other tasks that need to be done and I'm (a tiny bit reluctantly) getting to them.

It's mid November (like I need to tell y'all that) and the solitude continues.  I wonder if that's why I feel so tired.  I'm pretty good about riding the energies of things that give me satisfaction...work, creativity, etc.  In down times, though, I feel the fatigue and I recognize the little quiver just under the surface that's driving it...loneliness.  Now, I'm pretty good about self direction and making myself happy with what I choose to do.  But for me...life is always better shared.  There's part of me that wants to be horribly self critical and look at my emotional need for companionship as some sort of defect.  I've read lots of articles about "how to be happy alone" yada yada, or hear things like "if you find yourself uncomfortable alone, maybe you don't like yourself."  But I think there's a balance in there...and I think that we're all wired different and have different needs.  Anyway...aloneness is wearying.  Bleh.

I did have fun making these Instax Mini film photos, though!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

it's that time of year...

Sweaters are pulled out.  Shadows lay long and low in strange and mystical ways.  Thoughts turn inward, to harvest what was metaphorically sown earlier in the year. What did I accomplish, how did I maintain, was I able to be present? 

I think of my ancestors, the women, are they with me now?  How did they meet their challenges?  Were they happy?  Can I call on their spirit, their energy, to guide me now?