The Third Act

kinda like this...

...boxed up, behind glass, seeing potential but not feeling the ability to realize it.

It's been a lot...returning from what was home to what is now home...that sense of isolation once again.  But I'm tired with all the ruckus around tree limbs falling and power out...and the subsequent anxiety that always ramps up around these things.  Try as I might to put a positive spin on it, it doesn't take much to tip me over into that other head space.  In my current life, I wonder if I've simply bitten off more than I can chew.  At the same time, I accept that life is what it is.

Right now, it's time for a shower after working in the yards for a few hours.  I have to say, there's always a sense of satisfaction, at least, with that endeavor.  Making art and working with the plants...those are my saving graces.

 

tea and burning sage on the porch this morning...

that week went fast...

Just seven days ago I was hanging out with my sister, looking forward to the weekend with the whole family.  Three thousand miles and a day or two past now...I'm back home.  It was lovely...it's always lovely to be with them all.  I'm still learning to enjoy the moments together, without clinging to some rose colored view of the past.  Everyone is grown now...I'm still still growing (well, we all are really).  deep breath

How many packs of Instax mini film did I blow through?  It's too easy!  I really like the little Lomo'instant I have (gift from Julian!), even though I still don't have all my exposure understanding dialed in.  While I prefer the larger footprint of the wide film, this camera is a lot more convenient to schlep around (particularly when I have my Zero and Holga packed along as well).  An Instax wide film camera (with more controls) is still in my future when funds are available.  In the mean time, there are plenty other things to keep me busy!

 

 

 

 

Great affection...

fennel and salt air

great affection for this place

bet you could tell, right?

 

slow going...

I should be packed by now...and my house cleaned.  But I keep putting it off because, hey, there's time.  Truth is, there is time, but I have historically been all about getting ready really early.  This time, however...right now...I've gone through a few Instax mini scans of my garden readying them to post.  After this, I'll carry all my photography related items upstairs to pack my carry on bag (along with whatever I need to entertain myself over the several hours it takes to get to California).  And then...I'll pack my clothes (half of which I already have folded and laid out).  Will I sleep tonight?  Who knows?!

 

 

 

 

May 5

Last week offered a good stretch of sunshine...up to and including yesterday.  It was time to pull out the digital and the 50mm lens and start this season's worth of garden documentation.  I have been Instagramming the garden, but it's not the same...or maybe it is, I don't know.  Anyway, here are some photos of garden progress, plus a few from this dark, green, wet Sunday morning. 

It's cooler out...more seasonal I suppose.  It felt good to have my tea, while listening to the rain and sending blessings to all those I hold dear in my heart.  I've been having a hard time getting myself on the cushion lately, so this was a good way to get some practice in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

take your pick...

Or would that be, take my pick.  On any given day I have around half a dozen kinds of creative output I could work on.  As previously noted on another post, it's often difficult to know exactly what to work on to develop something significant.  Sure, that's a lot of judgment there, but it's less about the practical end of things as it is this strange sense that I'm playing catch up and need to do everything. 

Yesterday proved to be good conditions for lumens.  Being that the lily of the valley has a very short blooming season, I wanted to use those in some prints.  The bearded irises, as well, tend to be rather fleeting.  I'm pleased with the sets of prints that resulted, posted below.  In addition I'm still mucking about with the paper pinholes...some on regular paper and some on direct to positive.  I'm being flighty in my approach....spontaneous?...which means I'm cramming the efforts in between other stuff, not being terribly fastidious about my variables.  That being the case, I've gotten results that are only marginally satisfying, yet still fun.  The pinhole posted further down that looks like my face is melting off (could be a sci-fi apocalypse moment) is on regular photo paper and was scanned, inverted and adjusted.  The print after that, that looks slightly more normal, is on direct to positive.  Let it be known there was contrast adjustment after I scanned the direct to positive (a good print straight out of the can, so to speak, is what I'm after).  Sleeves of Polaroids continue to adorn my dining room table, waiting to be curated.  

This week has been one with appointments to attend and a fair bit of away from home situations.  No garden work to speak of has been accomplished, but things are growing nicely despite that.  I do take my tea this time of year, and walk around the garden in the morning, checking in on the plant folk...I actually spend more time than you would guess doing what looks like nothing. 

My self care (mainly sleep and proper rest) efforts have been backsliding and that needs to be addressed.  I wish I knew exactly what are my triggers that tend to cause shifts in, well, a lot of things inside of me.  Anyway, I'll be heading out of town to California next week to see my kids and my sister.  I'm looking forward to that.  I miss them all so.  And with that in mind, there will be a fair bit of getting everything in order and ship shape before I leave.  

 

 

 

 

Happy Beltane...

...May day...entry into summer.

I'm still working with older Polaroids, creating more sets for more books (or zines...still thinking these things through).  I'm pretty pleased with this one and have many other favorite photos that will make nice little collections.  There are a couple themes I'm working with and in fact, got distracted with number two and went on to number three.  For the third, I may actually mix Polaroid prints, using some of my pack film peel aparts, as well as Spectra and 600.  I just need to see how they will look together.  

Pinhole day was fun, although my film  (and even paper, for that matter) efforts were a bit more meh than I'd like.  It's okay, though, because there are some acceptable images that at least note the day, one of which will be posted to the pinhole day gallery at some point this month.

It feels like a bit of a rocky period for me right now, but that comes and goes.  Mostly, it feels like I keep circling my creativity...or maybe it's my confidence.  I have many kinds of work on which I'd like to focus, but have difficulty allocating time in any real functional way to any of them.  I flit about here and there.  There's something deeply internal that's happening...meaning, I think it's almost like I'm avoiding doing the work because...why?  I don't want to succeed?  I'm afraid I won't succeed?  And what does succeeding even mean?  Sure, yes, a lot of that means finding some way in which I can make a little bit of a living from all of this.  And, yeah, there's something inside me that just keeps denying that's even a remote possibility.  I don't want to believe that's true.  Still, it can make it challenging to hold to the creative course and to an authentic vision (even if that vision isn't necessarily orderly or linear).

So...while I work through that muck, I spend time in the garden, doing what needs to be done...and taking pictures.  More instant film here...the new stuff...a few Instax images for your Beltane enjoyment...

 

 

 

 

I made a book...

....you can find it here...

 

Goodbye 3000b

It seems only fitting that I should use up the last of my Fuji3000b during 'RoidWeek.  I've been using this film for several years, during which time it became discontinued.  Before I moved from California to Virginia, five years ago, I had stock piled a little over a dozen packs of the stuff.  I've been eking it out now over those five years and this last of it is well expired.  Add to that fact, I hadn't been fastidious about its storage.  So, these last two sheets of the film are well flawed and I thought I might as well ramp up the flaws by using the goops for my contribution to the group pool on this, day five.

 

 

light leaks

I thought I'd give some AristaEdu 200 a go in my Holga.  I liked that this film is more affordable than the Ilford I typically use...who doesn't like that?  The only snag with it that I found, is that it wound onto the take up spool rather loosely.  While this happens on occasion, both in the Holga and the Zero, mostly with color film, after taking off the back of the camera I can usually hold down the end of the film and tighten it.  With the AristaEdu, it really wouldn't budge no matter how hard I tried.  Consequently, there were a lot of gaps for light to get to the wound, exposed film.  I'll see how it does in the Zero.  Maybe I'll need to take the camera into my closet, removing the film there and loading it directly into the developing tank?  Not ideal, but it would reduce risk of the light getting in where I don't want it.

All that being said, the leaks in this case weren't terribly offensive.  There were a few frames that I lost, but others were sort of enhanced by the "glow" shall we say?  Always a feature, not a flaw, right??