Julian had called me in the morning and we spent some time chatting (and then on speaker phone with Matt). He asked what address to use to send me something this week...I said that whatever he sent should get to me within the two weeks before I move if sent here. I'm looking forward to the surprise! Later in the day Laurel came over and we went plant shopping for her container garden...me spewing out bits and pieces of information regarding gardening (and yogurt making, which was another subject of discussion) with evangelical abandon. In the evening and after their hike, we met up with her and Joshua for pizza at Zachary's, one of Laurel's faves.
I have yet to have a heart to heart with my daughter. I've kept the stiff upper lip, been light and cheery and glossed over my sadness (I don't want to infect anyone else with my own personal grief...and don't want my kids to feel responsible for making me feel better). Still, I want her to know, and Julian as well, how tough this decision to move across country has been and that it hasn't come as a lark. It emerged out of a very painful, long ended circumstance in which no movement in the living situation was being made and something had to be done. I didn't ask for divorce and I didn't want to move, but needed to adjust to what was happening in my life. I chose to take a path that, although curious to many, made sense in numerous ways. If it weren't for my two kids being here in California (even though they're grown, that didn't seem to matter) I would have had absolutely no hesitation to make the move. The savings in cost of living, particularly since it's going to take a lot of creativity for me to get to a place of financial self sufficiency, made Richmond a major draw. There, I can afford a home with the space to spread out, make art, make a garden and begin to define who I am. In addition, since a child I've wondered what it would be like to live on the east coast, for the deciduous woods and also for the history. I knew that this was something that I could do, on my own, with the resources at my disposal.
My mother's heart, though, still aches at the thought of being so far from my offspring. Going through my belongings as I pack and finding all those things that bring up memories of the early years of our family, well, it's just hard. More than anything in my adulthood, I've identified as mother and wife. Maybe I didn't embody either spectularly, and I know I made mistakes, but I was sincere in my dedication to the ideal even if my execution was faulty. It's a very strange place to be in, opening to the as yet unknown and disentangling myself, in many ways, from the familiar.
I'm thankful that the world has become a smaller place. Travel is much, much easier (hey, there's an airport right in Richmond!) and methods of communication abound. I think I'm going to insist on regular Skype or Google hangout sessions with my kids! And I hope that my courage in taking the leap into something so new and in many ways scary, will be a good example. If nothing else, it will give Laurel and Julian an interesting place to come visit and venture forth from, free of charge!
It's happening...what has seemed to be slowly, but now is less than two weeks away. Stay tuned!
(top photo are my Mother's day presents...the book from Matt and the bottle of Scotch from myself to me :)...and down below, my lovely daughter and myself...)
