I've been been thinking about that a lot lately...willpower...and discipline. It used to be so easy for me to practice discipline. Now...I'm too tired...or too depressed...or too anxious. In reality, I need discipline more than ever. Sometimes a pump needs to be primed...sometimes "fake it till you make it" actually makes a lot of sense.
So, I set the alarm early and don't allow myself any serious snoozing after it goes off...even if I had insomnia the night before. And I go for walks and take pictures...I keep up the daily 365 pinhole project for this year...I at least *think* about potentential art projects, or having art projects, or being inspired. I put one foot in front of the other, even if that means tripping over my own feet.
I write too...every day in a journal. There's only been a day or two in the past couple years when I forgot. It's not very interesting reading...in fact, the average person would be hard pressed to interpret my scrawl. But I do it anyway and some days it actually feels good. Apparently I blog too, whether or not it's interesting to anyone else (honestly, not many people read it and that's actually ok). I even bought an ebook with creative writing ideas because, sadly, I could use some help!
What does all this mean? Other than I'm human and experiencing the human condition, I'm not sure. It means I'm trying, I guess...even though it's often hard. And it means I remain at some level optimistic, that there's meaning buried beneath my thoughts and actions...for myself, if not for anyone else. We all have to play the hand we're dealt. That's not to say choice isn't involved and sometimes the choice is about learning to respond to those cards...in fact, it always is.
I could do better about practicing gratitude, because I know that there are myriad reasons to count myself incredibly fortunate. At the same time, to deny that my emotions exist (or are in some way "bad") is futile and unhealthy. There's got to be a balance between the two...that's what I'm working on. I look forward to some day actually being inspired to create art, to feel that flow and the subsequent joy in creating. I would take any kind of joy, though, no matter the source...it's out there, I'm sure of it.
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