...I left my old life behind in California and spent the first night in my new home on the other side of the country. The place was empty save for a bed and a few miscellaneous items I'd left when I was out for the closing. It was echoey and cavernous and devoid of any personal touches, except for a little Baba Yaga matryoshka I'd set up to guard the place until I moved in.
Twelve months later and I'd say Baba Yaga's house (so christened as to acknowledge the lessons I need to learn from the old hag, as I become a crone myself) is pretty well filled out. I don't like a lot of clutter and have saved room for future additions to my art/houseware/furniture/book collections. Hmmm...doesn't sound like I don't like clutter does it?? But I do like space around me and that I have both inside and outside. It suits me, especially because it makes it easy to host guests and visitors.
And what observations come to mind after a year on my own? Big sigh... One is that living alone isn't necessarily in my nature. That being said, it doesn't stop me from creating a nurturing, artful space in which to reside. Sometimes I think I don't make enough effort to care for myself, given my ongoing issues with self worth, but apparently I care enough to surround myself with what I consider beautiful and soul enriching.
What else?
Cooking for one is hard. There are always tons of leftovers, if I've managed to get my head space into cooking mode. It's not the same, just for myself. But I work at it and continue to use cooking as a creative outlet.
The internal environment is far more important than the external, where personal growth and change are concerned. At least for me. But, that being said, a change in environment does make the mental and emotional issues more obviously clear. It's hard...I get down on myself...then I have to watch it so I don't exacerbate my struggles. Easier said than done.
Nostalgia can be a kicker. Is hindsight 20/20, or does it come with a pair of rose colored glasses? I often think I've bitten off way more than I can chew with the choices I've made. My heart aches regularly, I cry frequently, and I miss oh so much about my old life. But I try to remember that I've been in the middle of a couple of the greatest life changes a person can experience, and this during menopause. I want to move on, really move on, but it's wise to accept that the process is very much two steps forward one step back.
I'm a hermit by nature, but one that likes company. Okay, so I'm introverted...and lonely at times. Bottom line, it's hard to make new friends, especially at my age. My default is to just stay home. Granted, I do have a lovely, comfortable home! But anyway, one of my greatest challenges is discovering my tribe and fitting into community. This comes as no surprise, however. I'm working on it.
Richmond is quite a lovely place! Virginia is beautiful. I adore four seasons.
I'm adaptable. I learned my way around town fairly quickly. Oddly, it's weird for it not to be weird when I go back to the bay area. It sort of tweaks my head and can feel a bit surreal. Then again, a lot of things feels surreal to me.
Gardening is easier for me than making art, when my emotions are fragile. Perhaps it's because gardening is second nature and the urge to put down roots is strong. I've always found that I feel the most inspiration and make the best artwork when the rest of my life is emotionally stable. I'm not there yet. I do have confidence it will come.
It's good for me to have a canine companion. She gets me out when I don't feel like going out. She gets me up and moving in the morning. She helps me see what I need to work on in myself to help her with the things she needs to learn too.
I can shovel snow! It was strange for it not to be strange the first time I did it this winter.
People see in me far more than I see in myself. I'm told I'm brave. I'm not sure if it was bravery or naivete or just plane foolishness. I did what I felt I needed to do at the time, what I could do on my own with the resources I had. Perhaps it was strange to take that leap across the country. It's always an odd thing to explain when people ask, "So why Richmond?" (and no, I'm not going over it again). I'm still trying to learn to value my accomplishments...to actually see these things as accomplishments.
I think that's enough. It was far less painful writing this, than I thought it would be. Imagine that.
Oh, I thought of one more thing...times passes more quickly than I ever imagined possible.
Baba Yaga's House today....
