There are still a few stragglers...scanned frames of negatives...from my trip to California for the wedding. I'm astounded, not that there are stragglers (because this always happens...like first string, second string, those who always wait out on the bench, I tend to work on the images that have the most promise first, leaving anything from ones that simply don't seem to *spark*, to what appear total duds), but that it's been almost a month since the fab ceremony! So cliche, but so true...time does fly.
When I look at September since my return, I guess I've gotten a lot done...it's hard for me to tell. I really need to get back to daily journaling, which for the past few months has been neglected. Since my default is to be busy and I can see around me evidence of productivity, I'll give myself that credit.
Every day is step by step. Sometimes it's like I'm swimming against an emotional current, trying to keep myself above that which might pull me under. Sometimes I get swept along for a while. The good thing about getting swept along (although I'd prefer to avoid that to begin with) is the opportunity for continual observation and tweaking of my life. Fact of the matter is, on a completely intellectual level, I know what's best for me...but my emotional self pulls a LOT of sway. So, I'll get stuck in thinking patterns that perpetuate strong emotional states, until my rational mind steps in and says, "enough already."
I've been thinking about emotional imprints lately. I was going to call them scars, but the connotation might be a bit dramatic for my case. That being said, if I consider the imprints to be part of a wounding to the psyche, let's say, what if I choose to think about it the way I would an old injury. With injuries, I do the best I can to alleviate the issue, but there are certain conditions that will simply be what they are. Maybe the condition doesn't necessarily improve, but all things surrounding it are bolstered and strengthened to avoid further deterioration. How can I use this as it relates to my emotional self? Well, I figure that rather than resisting the senses of loss, regret or separation, I allow them to be what they are. In those moments when the thoughts/emotions arise, I find things that will nurture and nourish my system as a whole and DO them. I also practice noticing when certain things are taking away from a healthy emotional state (for instance, my predilection for nostalgia) and change course to a direction that is more constructive. And in all of this, it's not about "this is bad/this is good"...it's about how I am in that moment, and practicing compassionate awareness for what's going on. Time and time again I have noticed that getting down on myself for not "being over it" will only make me feel worse.
How can anyone ever be bored with life? There is so much going on outside as well as inside ourselves! In the best of moments I see the glimmer of light that is enthusiasm for discovery. What do I want to make of my life? What are my most cherished values? How do I become of service in the world to those values? How do I integrate the parts of my life history that do still serve (the relationship with my kids, the connection to my siblings, my love for home, art and garden) with new ways of being (as a single person living alone, seeking new relationship, searching for community, building a livelihood)?
All of these ideas and thoughts are great to move me along into healthy personal growth. Now...I just need to get the physical aspect squared away (enough rest, hahahaha *sigh*...enough nourishment, a little easier...taking care of the effects of stress in my body on which I put a lot of demands, I have a massage scheduled in a week and a half and I will investigate more avenues). It's really, really easy to note how feeling poorly physically can pull everything down! But, once again, avoiding the habit of unhealthy self criticism is vital.
We had a long, hot, wet summer. They say August was "dry" but that only meant it didn't rain...it was still mighty steamy. It's cooler now...but not cool enough, dagnabbit! I'm looking forward to real autumn...to dry, cool nights and golden sunshine with long shadows. The colors of the leaves, first fires in the woodstove, pulling out my scarves, all that stuff creates a good energy to contribute to my ever evolving experience. I'm ready.
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