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Oh, how I miss you.
The Pacific, the light, the distinct forms of fog.
Hills so green when your thirst is quenched.
The smell of fennel and salt by the bay.
When summer comes, your fruit and all the time your food.
Highway one, redwoods and rhododendrons.
And mostly my people, so dear, who feel so very far away.
Yes, I left my heart there all right.
The temperatures for the past few weeks have been generally running above average. Sometimes the temps have been far above average, hitting the upper 70's. Night time has been slightly closer to normal range. All in all, however, we're looking at an early spring. Daffodils and crocuses are blooming in my little woods, as well as hellebore. Even my little peach tree has buds ready to burst!
Under normal circumstances, I'd be distressed at not enough winter cold. Even though it's still unnerving to a degree (what is this? climate change? what's going to happen to all the plants that require more winter chill? and a myriad other considerations...) I'm rather grateful for the warmer temperatures and sunshine. It's been a tough winter. I've started with a new therapist and we've been exploring methods to address my issues. All this means that my peace of mind, my centeredness, has been lacking. At times, I've felt more depressed than in quite some time. So, having warmer weather, sunshine and gardening time has been a blessing.
It's fortunate that my internal discipline is still accessible. This has allowed me to continue to produce art work, to repeatedly reset my routines and practices to serve my greater good, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. My new-ish (just saw I came up on my one year anniversary) Aikido dojo has been a positive, routine focus for me, which gets me out of my little cloister.
There are more local people in my life now, which I appreciate. This isn't the same as being close to family or having a life partner. This isn't the same as relying on friendships that took several years to develop. But these new relationships are a beginning. Call me a late bloomer, in most aspects of my existence. Things take time for me. I sometimes wonder about returning to California. I left once and returned. It's so much a part of who I am. But, I'm here now, taking a long time but learning to give energy to the present moment.
Here's a little video on YT that I made, featuring the collection of photo encaustics I've made thus far. The process is quite pleasant to me...working with wax and heat, bringing images to a rich, deep physical expression. Soon it'll be time for more cyanotypes. I continue to embellish older, fabric cyanotype pieces, which has been a powerful process for me as well.
Most of the time I don't know where I'm going with any of this, these many creative exercises in my life. My healing and wholing is a longer endeavor than I could ever have imagined. Onward I go!
February 18, 2017
This morning was/is (?) what I'd call a two step backward start to the day. Woke early, 4:30, to a text from Julian telling me he and Karen got to Gualala fine (he sent it late because he forgot, but I was grateful to receive), went back to sleep and woke kind of late. Laid there and did my usual (habit I want to change) perusing social media. My hands hurt and were stiff and tingly, what seemed to me more so than usual. I felt generally unwell and by the time I rose to shower and dress, I was going full on into a downward emotional spiral.
There was fear and loss and loneliness, uncertainty, and my belly felt full of despair. I managed to keep the observer part of me going throughout, and there's some rational/judgey part that really doesn't know why these unconstructive emotions are so profound.
I allowed the deep sobs, that sounded vaguely like screams, to go their course and have full expression (thankfully, all windows and doors were closed so as not to disturb neighbors!).
I knew I would write down the incident on the sheet from my counselor. I thought about making a blog post (still might). I moved through. A hot shower helps (maybe I should seriously consider the hot tub idea for my patio).
At first, this idea of two or three steps backwards seemed fitting. While fixing my tea, however, it dawned on me that the experience, though gut wrenching and "negative" is just part of the process of moving through. Like starting with a wall that needs to be painted, but has to be scraped and patched first, it looks uglier before it appears lovely again. Goofy analogy but kind of apt.
So now I'm looking at my day and figuring out how to get the next bit of garden prep done without exacerbating (too much) my pain and stiffness. If nothing else, this process of moving into a new life has given me numerous opportunities to practice creative thinking and tenacious spirit. It's supposed to be a lovely, springlike day.
end of entry
The last session I had with my counselor, we got on the subject of the loss I feel for my old life, my old place. She asked me what it was that made me feel more secure and at peace there. It was quite a list...family, friends, the light, the Pacific and the vast space I could experience just climbing the hill behind my house and looking out at the bay, the fruit and produce, the sunrises. She acknowledged that that was a lot...and that I was very brave having done what I have.
I tend to be dismissive of the notion of bravery. But I suppose it's accurate. I did what I felt I needed to do and have been making the effort to break attachments that obstruct my greater good in any way. It's exhausting. But in the moments of sensing my authenticity arising, there is the realization that this is exactly where I need to be for my own growth.
I realize my problems are very small compared to the big picture these days. There are many ways in which I'm blessed and for all of those I'm grateful. I do what little I can to be present for large issues and often feel guilty that my smaller (by comparison...but not within my own self) problems can sometimes hold me back from doing more. Mental health is tricky business, especially for anyone with self awareness...such a balancing act.
But yes, it's a beautiful day out and I intend to work in the garden.
Well, let's see...where shall I begin...
Firstly, the trip up to Alexandria for the Ipseity reception was lovely. It was great to chat for a while with other artists and also get acquainted with the juror. There was a decent little gathering for the talk, despite the frigid, windy evening.
When I arrived in town earlier in the day, my room wasn't ready yet, so I did my typical jaunt down King Street. Only, at 33F and very high winds, it was less relaxed than usual. Despite that, I enjoyed being out in Old Town Alexandria, got a good look at the exhibit when the gallery was empty and had a yummy crab cake sandwich down by river.
I was pleased to have gotten a room in the hotel that was on an upper floor, facing east. Goofy as it may be, I always request this when staying at this particular place. It's a delight to wake up and watch the sunrise from the comfort of my room. Quite fortunately, the conditions were such that I was witness to a wonderful show one morning...I took a lot of pictures, needless to say!
Friday's itinerary consisted of a visit to the National Mall and specifically the National Gallery of Art. Should I be embarrassed to say that my main focus of that visit was to see the fourteen foot blue rooster sculpture on the roof?? No...no, I'm unashamed! But there were other delights to view on the walls inside, in addition to an enjoyable steamy walk through the National Botanic Garden across the way, that filled out the day.
And after all that lovely busy-ness, coming home to, well, an empty house was...a mixed blessing, I guess. I felt off kilter for a day or so, but got my balance back. Interestingly, I had thought today was going to be...sad. It's not so much that it's Valentine's day and I have no one special in my life, but that it's the anniversary of the day five years ago, when my ex said, no more. Boy, was that a crappy day. Not just crappy, but almost unbearably crazy for me. I thought I was going crazy for some time after that, to be honest. I'm still working through the aftermath. All that being said, yeah, I thought I would be bogged down by it all...all, being everything that the whole ball of wax represents to me. Surprisingly, after a little cry this morning, I've been okay. I've been focused on projects and tasks, I've been listening to audio CD's that speak to my soul, and I'm getting to a place where this aloneness is more than tolerable. Perhaps it's important for me to give love to myself right now, rather than to have someone else to give that love to, or have given to me. I don't think there's any perhaps about it, actually. And it's not just the love...it's the respect and nurturance, the encouragement and care.
So this Valentine's day, I thought about my love for my kids, and let them know. I called my mom to wish her a happy Valentine's day. My eldest brother called and I need to get back to him. I'll go to aikido practice tonight and be with friends and community there. And I'm grateful to have this quiet, creative space in which to do what I want and need, exactly when I want and need to do it. Which reminds me...there's this little stack of papers related to filing taxes next to me...but that will wait. Not today.
...already! The first week of the month has flown by and it's well into the second.
I've been busy, which is always a good thing. Over the weekend our dojo hosted a seminar with a highly regarded Sensei from Minnesota. A great time was had by all! I felt a bit intimidated to get on the mat with so many strangers, being that I'm still getting to know this style of Aikido, but it worked out fine. When I felt overwhelmed with practice, I stepped off the mat and grabbed my cameras. It will be a while before I make my way through the few hundred photos I took, but it's a fun process.
In addition to the seminar, I've started working to up my game on my YouTube channel, monetizing some of my videos and getting into creating new content. The popular videos on my channel are art how to's and some of the cooking videos, so those will be the focus of new content creation. It amazes me that a crappy five minute video about tea toning cloth cyanotypes, from several years ago, has amassed over twenty thousand views. Now, as things go online twenty thousand doesn't sound like much, but I did nothing to promote the video including neglecting to tag it appropriately. Bottom line, I need to get profoundly creative in developing a livelihood and I'll take any direction that doesn't offer too much resistance.
Tomorrow it's up to Alexandria for the Ipseity exhibit reception at the Target Gallery. I'm looking forward to spending a couple days up in the area and getting over to the National Mall for some museum hopping. Photographic endeavors will definitely be part of the excursion.