The past week has been a bitch for me. Try as I might, it's been hard to keep myself centered and confident. In a youtube video I recorded yesterday, I mentioned how I felt my emotions finally pushed through the well intentioned positivity I've been maintaining...like a wall of water breaking through a compromised dam. Nothing to be done but to let it all flow.
I thought I'd reached a better place...after all that water/emotion and then receiving some counsel from a trusted individual. I thought I was on the definite upswing. Then today, I experienced a bit of rejection (rejection is too harsh...move like ambivalence) regarding my artwork and I have to say it's been hard to muster up enough self talk to get past all the feelings of, well, so many things.
Let me list them, just to get them out there...my work isn't good enough, my work doesn't fit, fine art doesn't sell. I am not good enough, I don't have the appropriate kinds of skills to fit into this world. Who am I anyway and what of value do I have to offer? I am not lovable or have enough value as I am in this moment.
Now, these are emotions that are driven by old thinking patterns, created in formative years. My rational self knows better. In addition, little by little, I can meet these feelings with compassion to avoid being overwhelmed. But...there are times when the sun hasn't been shining for a while and, maybe I'm tired or haven't had any outward successes, and it all crumbles down, crushing my heart.
There is the realization as well, that letting go of the past takes a huge amount of effort and energy. It's coming upon a time when I see that it's critical I move into a new way of being. Outwardly, it may appear I've done so. I'm upon my three year anniversary of actually moving into this house. I've made friends, joined community and put down some roots. Much of my heart remains in California, but I think that's okay to an extent. Who knows? Maybe I'll even move back. But in any case, I understand the absolute necessity of working diligently to create a new paradigm and genuinely let go of the old. Everything on the outside changed for me...my home, my community, my proximity to my family and the family dynamic. Not it's time to allow that I need to change the internal relationship to my life and build what it needs to become. So, so much effort...and setbacks occur when energy is low. It's very easy, at times, to become discouraged.
So...I write. I let it out here and/or in my journals (but I don't even try to write well or coherently there, haha!). Perhaps it's another kind of self talk. Anyway, it gets it out of my head, relieving some of the inner pressure. What I have to offer may not mean much to mainstream society, but I hope it makes a difference in someone's life. I know that my garden offers beauty for passers by and food for the pollinators and birds. I know that I have made a home for Avery dog, a rescue. I try to share thoughtful information, as well as heart lifting stories to my online community. And while my kids don't need me as they used to, I hope they take some comfort and joy from my delight in them and admiration of the wonderful people they are. I don't know what's in store for me as far as a future mate, but I know that if that happens I have the capacity to be on board with self awareness and willingness to work for mutual/individual evolution, love and happiness. Bottom line, I know I have a lot to offer, it's just a matter of allow life to unfold.
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