On the fourth of September, it will be one year since my beloved daughter married my wonderful son in law. How could a year go by so quickly?? Seriously, every year seems to speed by faster than the last. From what I understand, this perception isn't unusual as one ages. I don't feel like I'm going nuts (not about that anyway) regarding the subject. It's just a little unnerving at times, upon reflection.
I seem to ponder life according to milestones. If I go backward, it would be such as...my kid's wedding, my move across country, my divorce, my kids' graduating from college/leaving home, my kids' going through their various stages of growth and personal evolution, my giving birth/getting pregnant/getting married. I could go on, but you get the picture. One milestone to the next...one event to the next. Right now my life seems punctuated (with exclamation points) by the times I get to go back and be with family, by the events surrounding my artwork, by the various phases in the garden. Nothing stays static, which is a good thing. It would be nice to have a little more groundedness in my day to day, though. I'm working on it.
It's a weird dynamic that I experience. Time passing so quickly, yet personal progress moving at such a glacial pace. There's a pattern of a lot of action, then a prolonged period with movement just trickling along. To get caught up in the sluggish times, or rather the perception thereof, is rather panic inducing. So, attention has to be dragged back to the tasks at hand, because if it isn't the anxiety can be down right paralyzing (which exacerbates the situation). Add to that the general undercurrent of depression and I have to give myself a pat on the back to realize just how much I do exert effort in productive ways!
Perhaps that's part of the trick to staying focused and positive...to review my accomplishments. This isn't an easy thing for someone who never feels like they are good enough, or do good enough work. It's unfortunate that my experience in life has many times compounded these feelings of inadequacy. But...to give those feelings a nod and focus on what I've done, especially given certain limitations that were out of my control (circumstances of upbringing etc.) can be helpful. I have to say, practicing self awareness and deep introspection can be a double edged sword. It's work, but there's no way around that. Once that path is taken, for me anyway, it's impossible to go back.
(images here, taken with film on a Holga, printed on goyu paper and dipped in encaustic medium)
Comments
You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.