The Third Act

Almost one year...

On the fourth of September, it will be one year since my beloved daughter married my wonderful son in law.  How could a year go by so quickly??  Seriously, every year seems to speed by faster than the last.  From what I understand, this perception isn't unusual as one ages.  I don't feel like I'm going nuts (not about that anyway) regarding the subject.  It's just a little unnerving at times, upon reflection.

I seem to ponder life according to milestones.  If I go backward, it would be such as...my kid's wedding, my move across country, my divorce, my kids' graduating from college/leaving home, my kids' going through their various stages of growth and personal evolution, my giving birth/getting pregnant/getting married. I could go on, but you get the picture.  One milestone to the next...one event to the next.  Right now my life seems punctuated (with exclamation points) by the times I get to go back and be with family, by the events surrounding my artwork, by the various phases in the garden.  Nothing stays static, which is a good thing.  It would be nice to have a little more groundedness in my day to day, though.  I'm working on it.

It's a weird dynamic that I experience.  Time passing so quickly, yet personal progress moving at such a glacial pace.  There's a pattern of a lot of action, then a prolonged period with movement just trickling along.  To get caught up in the sluggish times, or rather the perception thereof, is rather panic inducing.  So, attention has to be dragged back to the tasks at hand, because if it isn't the anxiety can be down right paralyzing (which exacerbates the situation).  Add to that the general undercurrent of depression and I have to give myself a pat on the back to realize just how much I do exert effort in productive ways!

Perhaps that's part of the trick to staying focused and positive...to review my accomplishments.  This isn't an easy thing for someone who never feels like they are good enough, or do good enough work.  It's unfortunate that my experience in life has many times compounded these feelings of inadequacy.  But...to give those feelings a nod and focus on what I've done, especially given certain limitations that were out of my control (circumstances of upbringing etc.) can be helpful.  I have to say, practicing self awareness and deep introspection can be a double edged sword.  It's work, but there's no way around that.  Once that path is taken, for me anyway, it's impossible to go back.

(images here, taken with film on a Holga, printed on goyu paper and dipped in encaustic medium)

Check in!

Yeah, it's been a bit.  I just noted the last time I posted was after my Rockville trip for the workshop.  Since then, I've been to California and back, finished up with the kids' camp, and am now just getting back into life as I know it.  Summer will transition to autumn soon.

California was....awesome.  Isn't it always?  Well, for me, anyway.  I spent time with family, good quality time with my kids, ate good food and tasted good wine.  Oh, as I was leaving I got to view the eclipse as I waited for my flight back home.  

Coming home...sigh  Where is home anyway?  I'm still fine tuning how I exist between two worlds.  That's not quite right.  They're the same world, but feel so different.  When I'm in California, when I'm with the family...it's so familiar, so grounded and heartfelt.  Yet...the groundedness is a bit of an illusion (maybe that's true across the board), no?  This is where I reside now...here in Virginia.  This is where I need to sink in.  But yet...oy...  I guess what I'm getting at, is how challenging I find allowing for all my experiences and moving into a bigger space.  Can I see myself as bi-coastal?  Can I feel that my home is where ever my heart is at any given moment?  It's a concept worth exploring...to open up and appreciate it all.

 

 

 

 

 

To Rockville and back...

The past weekend was jam packed with travel (road trip), learning, and meeting new folks.  While not every bit of information is useful for my art career at this point in time, I came away from the "Thriving Artists Business of Art" workshop with a better understanding of the livelihood.  There appear to be many streams to follow (and the potential to set up some streams to flow on their own while giving attention to others) in this regard.  It was interesting to note my resistance, or rather the obvious lack of confidence I have in myself, in learning what is entailed to create a sustainable art career.  I have to say, though, I'm not on the "I can't/don't have the ability to/am not good enough to/ do this work" side of the fence.  I'm remaining open and hopeful, working to understand how to get the process in motion.  One step at a time and all that good stuff!

The workshop was held at Artist and Makers Studio 2 in Rockville, Maryland.  An online (and now in person!) friend, Judith, runs the space which "provides services, support and studio/office space for select entrepreneurs and creative professionals in the Washington, DC area."  It was wonderful to be in such a lovely, thriving artist community for this event.

Driving up and back on I95 wasn't horrendous, encountering only moderate traffic.  Admittedly, I enjoy road trips far more with another person.  It's not that I mind the solitude of the drive (like I don't get enough solitude...heh!), I just have a hard time staying awake.  One of these days (of which I've been referencing for what seems like forever!) I'll be getting enough sleep so that's not such an issue.  But, I am who I am...and I'm not there yet.  I do kinda dig listening to Clarissa Pinkola Estes CD's on these drives, so that makes being stuck in a car for two to three hours rather productive.

This morning, I tackled my growing front lawn, tidying up the yard and driveway.  In a few days I'll be taking a trip to California to see the fam, so having the house look lived in (as opposed to abandoned with ever higher grass and weeds) was necessary.  Plus, I enjoy the activity.  It's warmish out today, but not overly uncomfortable.  The weather forecast is calling for some more storms as well, so it was good to get this out of the way.  The next couple days will include cleaning and organizing a bit, so that when I return I can sort of hit the ground running on a few fronts.  There will be a number of tasks, jobs and issues to address and it's always nice to come home to an organized platform from which to begin.

In other outside news...sigh...well, the news isn't so great.  Lots of things to think about, to step up for and be present with to create a better world.  

 

What's up?

So, I had a week [sort of] off last week.  I got some cyanotypes made and worked on dipping more goyu paper prints in encaustic medium, building both of those series.  I spoke with the folks at Sneed's Nursery and arranged to present a small class there, on cyanotype, later in September.  I'm chicken and dog sitting too, which is fun and interesting.  The garden just keeps on giving, although there have been a few plants lost to normal cycle or [I think] underground rodents.  It's been dry, but not as hot.  Rain seems to be making its way back to us this week.

This week it's still more chicken/dog sitting, kid's nature/survival camp assistance in the afternoons, and then, come Friday, a trip up to Rockville MD for an art/business workshop.  While up north, I'm planning to get together with a couple friends as well.  It should be fun and educational...and I hope not terribly stressful (as travel can sometimes be).  And then, after my return from the workshop, it'll just be a few days until I take off to California for a family, summertime visit.  I won't be gone for long, just as long as I think I can afford to be away.  Once back, autumn will be just around the corner.

For some crazy reason, I have put up another online dating profile.  It's such a weird exercise.  Or maybe my perspective is too narrow.  It doesn't feel real.  I don't like things that don't feel real.  Reading the minutia of someone's preferences and how they view themselves, all presented in a sort of encapsulated vacuum...it ends up tweaking my head, with me looking at myself through a hyper critical lens.  Ick.  I don't need that, that's for sure.

My intention is to get out more to public art and culture events so I start meeting people in real life.   Whether or not that will provide any romantic connections, well, who knows?  It's just good to be part of community.  Not sure whether the latest profile iteration will remain up long.  Maybe I'll have the patience to just forget about it, focusing my energy on what is right at my fingertips (and I don't mean a keyboard).  The more broad my experience with people who care about the things I care about, who care about me and who encourage my creativity and sense of authenticity, the better off I'll be.  This comes from friends, from those who resonate mutual interests and values...not really from potential mates.  I don't care what anyone says, the whole idea of just finding new friends (although that does sometimes happen) on a dating site can often be disingenuous.  If one were just looking for friends or activity partners, why a dating site?  Sure, like most people, I enjoy falling in love, being in love, having that special bond.  But that has never been something that has emerged for me, from intended search.  So...yeah.