The Third Act

Always returning...

Returning to "normal" that is.  

For better or worse, I seem to be living my life from one event to the next.  I give a class, I present my work, I got to California, I visit Delaware, a friend visits me, my family visits me...etc. etc.  It's just how it is now.  The anchor to life is...nebulous.  Perhaps that's ok.  Perhaps that's just always going to be how it is.

So, the family has left after spending a wonderful holiday weekend together, here at my little home in the "woods".  I loved it.  However, I didn't take many pictures, for a variety of reasons.  But there are a few that I'll no doubt return to on occasion, to view with great fondness.

It's always an adjustment, these returns to normalcy.  When we're all together, the feeling of seamless connectedness sort of overtakes my awareness.  I suppose, in reality, it is seamless, that we do remain connected by our heartfelt love and our genetics and our history.  But there's a sense of it all being an illusion when folks are gone.  That feeling that I had when I remained connected in day to day life, when we anchored each other by living together, tends to vaporize.  It's confusing...and I struggle to remain above it all, not allowing the feelings of sadness at being separated to arise.  Although I've found there's no denying those feelings and they're better allowed to escape in the way these things escape (tears are always good).  I'm learning how to navigate it all, to remain an observer while I go through whatever is required.  The release is like a reset button in a way.

So, today is an at home, prepare for what's next sort of day.  It's going to be busy for the upcoming few weeks.  The next holiday, however, will prove interesting since I can't return to the family fold (given I'll be heading back earlier in the month for my mom's 100th birthday celebration!).  It's just not practical.  It will be a quiet holiday and I'll be seeking creative ways to make my way through into the new year.  In some ways that's good because it will be an extended period to reflect, without the interference of Christmas hubbub.

(pictures: top left, one of our Thanksgiving desserts, below: Lewis Ginter Botanical Garden Light Fest)

 

 

Giving thanks...

It finally feels like autumn.  The temperatures have gone down enough to trigger just about all the trees into changing colors (although some trees have completely lost all their leaves).  The Japanese maple outside my living room window flipped its switch and when I saw it this morning, it was yellow!  Typically this tree goes through a few different shades...from yellow to orange to red...before all the leaves drop.  It's been such a weird autumn, though, who knows??

I'm hoping some of the leaves hang on the trees until Thursday, which is when family will be in town.  I'd like to share what feels like real fall, which isn't nearly as obvious in the SF bay area.  But it was terribly windy today and a lot was shed.  Again, we'll see!

The Fabric of my Life album on Flickr is nearly complete.  Complete, in that I've gotten all the images added that I desired.  From now on I'll remember to add images as I go!  The motivation to do this has arisen from a variety of reasons.  One is the old mortality thing.  It's important to me, to take comfort and pleasure in what I've created over the years.  Weird, maybe, but it seems to help me see more value in my existence (which has been an issue for me).  You know, I've been musing on what I want to say about this, but when I sit down to write all my eloquence seems to vanish...ah well.

But, as to giving thanks...  Truly, I'm so grateful that I've taken the time to document and create images that reflect the life I've lived, the things that are important to me, and the people that I love.  It's wonderful to be able to sit and have my memory jogged by these visual scenes.  It helps me feel whole, if that makes any sense.  Maybe it just helps me make sense of my own life.

Anywho...  I can't wait for my family to arrive...to cook for them and show them around this home and town of mine.  I've had good fortune in my life, when it comes down to it, and I don't take that lightly (well, some levity is always appropriate!).  I wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving, filled with love and comfort.

 

 

So...here's the thing...

Yesterday was the anniversary of my marriage (now divorced).  If we were still married, we would have been together 31 years.  When we finally were not living under the same roof, we had been together for 27 years.  

It's hard for this date to escape my notice.  You know, FaceBook has its "on this day" feed, which (for better or worse) I always am amused to check.  I went to an album I have on Flickr, that I call The Fabric of my Life .  I went there...because?  I'm not sure.  But I have to say, the tendency to be maudlin and depressed on this day is giving way.  It's giving way in, what seems, an unusual way.

We were fortunate in that our divorce wasn't met with rancor.  For me, there has mostly been confusion and an impetus to be honest and understand myself.  Stuff happens, people change, yada yada.  And that last sentence?  It's been a gradual move toward that sentiment.  

When I look over my photos for the past ten plus years, I see love, warmth, beauty.  I'm getting to the place where I can look over the past with deep appreciation and allow that all the experiences I've had are part of and deeply embedded in this person who I am.  And I have to say, I'm grateful that I've been documenting all these years!!  

I'm not so different than I was before.  Hopefully, I'm more me, more engaged and focused on what's important (to me).  

(screenshots from the album, which continues to be added to, below)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3.8 miles

That's what my Activity app told me I've walked today.  Ninety percent of that distance was traveled right in my own yards.  The leaves are falling in earnest now, often floating down in drifts when there's a stiff breeze.  The clean up is moderately hard work.  It takes time, especially for me of oh-all-the-aches-and-pains-and finicky-tendons.  But it's a labor of love. 

The leaves get mowed up for mulch, some going directly on to the garden and some into the ever growing leaf pile.  Food for the soil!  So these trees are multi faceted givers...of home and food for wildlife, shade in the heat of summer, joy inducing color in the autumn, not to mention the delight that comes from watching the leaves dance in the air.  So much to appreciate and yippee for my well tended little plot of land.

 

 

Silver gelatin

It pleases me to be posting black and white film images to Flickr again.  Not that all that many people look at my pictures (the story of the way Flickr "used to be" is a tired horse), but I don't keep posting there for views.  But anyway, film is my grounding creative medium, especially the film that I process myself (one of these days, I will be printing again).  It's interesting that it can be helpful to bring me back to center.  Even though some trouble shooting and mishaps seem to be occurring, that's really not a big deal.  The whole process of shooting and processing film requires mindfulness, and boy can I use that!  

 

All Soul's day...

Time marches on.  Halloween has passed and today is already November 2nd.  This is just a brief check in with a few pictures from the holiday.  I've been triggered/scattered/something recently.  Money (related to health) issues...ugh.  Anyway, I'm processing through it, facing those many demons inside me that say boo and coerce me to cower, but I'm doing my best to push past them.  Granted my best can be, at times, just little inching steps.

All that being said, there's some lovely, if subtle, color in the trees and while it's not cold there have been a few brisk days.  Autumn...it tugs at my heart in multiple ways...