The Third Act

New Year's Eve 2017

It's been bitter cold here in the east.  No snow...just dry and cold.  It's winter, so this is to be expected I suppose.  The dismal skies and freezing temperatures, though, are dampening my spirits.  It's still the dark time of the year and although the hours of sunshine are increasing, it's incremental as yet.  I think I'm just sort of tired in general, so I'm not fretting about this subdued state...just noticing.

The past year held no profound banner moments.  That being said, there were quite a few minor achievements.  I have no qualms about how my life was lived in 2017.  There was intention, focus and work accomplished.  There was a lot of internal work done...but that's ongoing.  I want to do more and better in all aspects.

Tomorrow a new calendar year begins.  In some ways this is just a made up ending/beginning.  But I believe that the collective consciousness that surrounds this point suffuses the event with an energy that's unique.  At least that's always how it's felt to me and tapping into that is useful.  I have intentions for this coming year.  I'm trying to up my game with what I desire to create in this life of mine.  There's nothing really new on the list, but rather broadening the vision of possibilities.

So, today...I took down Christmas.  Everything is put away aside from the little strings of lights, because I still need those.  I used to leave the tree up until January 6th (my mom used to do that because her mom did etc. etc., based on some Catholic thing I think).  The little created tree I made, however, was getting really brown in spots so it seemed best to take it out.  Putting everything away felt right.  It felt like a better way to set myself up for this new start.  Sometimes the hanging on of Christmas stuff can trigger nostalgia that isn't useful...it's dragging old energy into the new year.

I'm looking forward to my continued work, both internal and external. 

I wish you all a very happy, healthy, prosperous new year filled with love and connection!

 

 

 

 

Work for Olly Olly exhibit

I have a couple pieces ready for this show coming up at the end of January.  I'm looking forward to it.  Lots of good energy, especially creative energy, being generated.  The piece in the white frame is from an Polaroid original, printed on goyu paper, dipped in encaustic medium and then embellished with beadwork.  Currently, the fabric cyanotype piece will remain as is, unless it makes more sense to get another shadowbox frame for it as well.  The gallery for this exhibit is Olly Olly in Fairfax, Virginia.

It's a good way to start a new year, putting energy into art.

 

Onward...

I managed to navigate the holiday with ease.  I didn't mind being alone.  I didn't feel particularly lonely.  I did what I wanted and wasn't a complete recluse.  I thought I'd made it!

But then, this morning...I got this nagging, draggy feel.  Melancholy or ?  I'm not quite sure.  It's not unusual to have post holiday let down.  Since there wasn't any particularly up or intense feeling to creating a pleasant experience for myself, it seems weird to have this, whatever it is!  But it is what it is and I'm moving through (what else?).

It's very cold out today.  In fact, it's going to be very cold right into the new year.  Now, if there was some snow on the horizon, it might be a bit more interesting.  But no...just cold (as far as the forecast goes).  

I have my little year past/year ahead booklet to fill out, an art piece to finish up, and a new book (Christmas present) to continue to dive into.  My birthday is coming up and I'm just trying to ignore that.  It's not the feeling old issue that some people have with birthdays.  It's just not making a fuss over it and therefore not setting up for, what?  Disappointment?  It's weird.  Whatever.

The dogs are snuggled in the chair by the wood stove, I'm finishing some oolong tea and then I'll get back to beadwork on an encaustic piece.  It's quiet, and I don't mind the quiet.

 

Christmas eve, eve...

I've set my creative energy to baking.  Yesterday it was ginger cookies.  Today, I'm making makoviec (poppy seed roll cake).  I also made some coconut/candied lemon peel haystacks (with dark chocolate) and simple stuffed dates (with walnuts and pecans).  Oh...and I decorated the cookies.  

Why am I doing all this, in light of my solitary holiday (if you don't count the dogs...and they shouldn't be eating those goodies anyway)?  I'm not sure, other than it's satisfying a creative urge...one that connects me to the past (but not necessarily in a nostalgic or unhealthy way).  It's been super enjoyable to be moving from one effort to the next, knowing there's really not any time schedule.  I figure I'll make some plates up in the coming days, and distribute to a few friends and neighbors.  

There are still art related endeavors I plan to focus on from now until the new year (and, well, really beyond that of course).  The cooking though, which there will be more of tomorrow (Christmas eve savories) is...just...feeling right.  It's very anchoring.  The energy feels balanced.  I'm happy for that.  And, interestingly, I'm not unhappy being alone.  There's a freedom to my rhythm that I appreciate.  Lastly, it's a very positive thing to be making the effort to do nice and loving things just for myself.

I took several pictures of today's kitchen efforts.  I also photographically recorded the tone of the house...the warmth and serenity.  (as I write serenity, I hear Rocco noticing something outside, haha!).  That's always been important...to create a home environment that's artful, yet comfortable.  I'm still working on it.  I get lots of ideas visiting wonderful, artful homes!  Speaking of which, I actually had the good fortunate to attend a few holiday parties this year.  Aside from family gatherings, it's been forever since such opportunities arose.  I was pleased to see I have a decent set of social skills!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Second Saturn Return

I made a Mountain Rose Herbs order last night, mainly to get a variety of medicinal mushrooms (maitake, reishi, chaga, cordyceps) plus a couple kinds of herbs for nourishing infusions. The new year is just around the corner and I feel the push to support and nourish myself.

 

On that note...sort of...today marks my second Saturn return. Saturn is returning to the place in the chart where it was when I was born. What does that mean? Well, for me, while I don't place absolute belief in astrology, as a philosophy it resonates...it helps me to review and consider my choices in life. And at this juncture, it means I have the potential to step into my wisdom, to be confident in my ability to see more broadly and wisely.

 

For the past six months I've been making the effort to, in a way, say goodbye to the previous phase of my life. I'm no longer an active mother on a day to day basis, I'm no longer a partner in a household. I've been working to build connections, to get out in the world and take actions that help develop trust that I will, indeed, be able to take care of myself as the years go by.  I am learning to accept that I will probably always have an anxiety response to certain events and situations, but that I can self counsel in a way that helps me see the bigger picture and go from being frozen to taking practical steps forward. The idea of living a solitary (as in not domestically and intimately partnered) is growing on me.  In the past phase of my life, that partnership seemed necessary for an sense of satisfaction or happiness.  While I still love the idea of committed relationship, the attachment is growing thinner.  Even over the first couple years in Virginia, living on my own, I regularly returned to the mindset of needing a partner.  In this next phase of my life, partnership no longer feels like a priority for my mental and emotional well being.  That's not say I actively avoid developing relationship, it's just that it's not a priority.

 

All that being said, this process has not been easy...it's been a bitch at times.  Many moments consisted of thoughts like, "I can't do this" or "I have no idea how I will survive".  Sure, those thoughts may still arise, but they don't take over.  When they do, or when there is a particularly intense moment of doubt and fear, I'll talk to myself through the episode.  It feels a bit silly to be saying, through tears, "it's gonna be okay"  "it's okay to feel like this" "you're doing fine".  However, it's really a plus if I can end up laughing at the absurdity (or the perceived absurdity) of the situation.  But it works.  Whatever works. And honestly, as difficult as it's been to makes sense of and heal through this process, I believe I'm a more whole person because of it.

 

Life is short, upon reflection.  Everyone has to find the path that suits their nature best, to make way in this crazy creation.  Don't hurt other people, be self aware and honest, find joy where ever it arises, love, and know that there is always a bigger picture (no act takes place in a vacuum).  

 

I managed to make some strides with artwork this past year, setting myself up for more clarity of vision and confidence in the work.  It's less about fitting a trend or a mold, having material success (but I totally embrace that notion), than it is about authentic creative expression.

 

I made a batch of tumeric/ginger chai to last me a few days.  Gotta get more dedicated to the anti inflammation track!

Almost the Solstice...

The holiday preparations deemed necessary this year, are few.  No complaints!  Today I shipped off the gifts for my dear hearts.  That's really the only thing I felt was an absolute.  Everything else, is icing!  I'm home for this season...no traveling and schlepping things back and forth between coasts, living out of a suitcase and dealing with sometimes uncertain flight issues. Yes, I'll miss what has always been special about sharing holidays with my family, but I've been with everyone recently so at this moment in time, I'm satisfied.

I've been considering what I wanted to express in this post for a while.  It's been a challenge to find inspiration and energy present at the same time, to get the words out.  While inspiration is still lacking, I'm going to give it a go (obviously!).

When I last spent Christmas alone (that is, apart from my kids and my family) it was three years ago, which was the only time up until that point. I had been in Virginia for less than a year and had traveled out west for Thanksgiving.  "It'll be fine" I thought, "we can Skype during Christmas eve dinner and Christmas morning when everyone's opening presents!"  That was not my most brilliant idea.  Trying to feel connected through a computer just didn't work for me...not at that time, not that year.  I ended up feeling more disconnected!

Three years have now passed.  I have to say, I think I feel more settled and grounded.  I'm more rooted here.  Sure, there are times of nostalgia that still crop up, but they don't last nearly so long or create the same kind of yearning as before.  I'm actually happy to be here for Christmas and celebrate the holiday in a quiet and somewhat solitary way.  It's not always apparent in moment to moment experience, but a lot of internal work has been happening and, dare I say, I'm becoming transformed.  

Tooting my own horn is not my strong point.  I tend to shy away from expounding on positive changes within myself.  But I will say, I've been working hard...in many areas of my life.  It turns out, I'm stronger than I thought...more interesting and creative than I imagined.  There continues to be work to do, but things feel more okay.  There's a glimmer of...what?  Power?  Energy?  Confidence simply in allowing myself to truly move into my best me?

So, this year, I did something truly strange...and creative.  Limbs from my pine trees came down with the heavy, wet snow that fell while I was in California last weekend for my mom's 100th birthday.   Looking at the fallen pine limbs lit the light bulb in my head (or was it a flame...maybe a sparkler??)..."these are the size of a small tree already, why not create my own Christmas tree, using what I have on hand, right here from Baba Yaga's own little woods??"  Originally, I had considered finding a Christmas tree farm to procure a tree this year, upon my return.  The idea seemed enriching and delightful.  While on the plane home I did some web searches, coming to find out that a lot of these farms had already sold out of this year's inventory!  Creating a tree, by lashing together limbs and placing them in a tree stand (with somewhat questionable structural integrity), was a goofy and wonderful thing to do.  It's the perfect metaphor for this particular Christmas...being content with the abundance that blesses me, feeling confident in my unique creative ways, and revising an old tradition blend with the energy of now.

Happy holidays, my friends...may your days be merry and bright!

 

 

 

 

 

Busy times...

I've been running around the past week or so...work and then a trip out for my mom's 100th birthday!  Now I'm home and making the effort to create my own sense of normalcy.  The holidays are fast approaching, but this year will be slow and relaxed.  No travel, just home base creativity.

Here are a few pics from my mom's party...a grand time was had by all!

 

 

 

December 6th

It's been a very busy month or so.  In addition to keeping up with the leaves, getting my artwork seen, hosting guests and before that traveling a bit, I've been volunteering and doing seasonal and gig related work.  This year has definitely seen me pushing outward much harder than the past few.  While I do find a bit of grief crops up now and then, I think that initial hermit phase helped me process a good deal of sadness following my move to Virginia.  For whatever it's worth, the world at large is seeing more of me these days.

And now, the year is fast coming to a close.  I think there are many who are glad to see 2017 finished up.  It's been a crazy year collectively, with a lot of confusion, anger and heartbreak.  For me personally, I've continued to work through lots of my head/heart stuff and hope to end the year with gratitude and positive ideas for the future.

Today was St. Nicholas day. It seemed a good occasion to get most of my decorations up.  Honestly, I don't have a huge number of holiday do-dads to arrange around the house.  I'm a light and candle kind of person, with a smidgeon of whimsy and greenery added for good measure.  This year, I'm waiting on the tree until I get back from a trip to California.  My mom is turning 100 on the 11th of December and we're all headed out to throw her a party this coming Saturday.  I'm looking forward to being with the family as this will suffice as my holiday celebration with everyone. 

It's a long day of travel, getting from Richmond VA to Oakland CA.  But I've got books to read and journals to write in.  That Southwest airlines has wifi is a plus too.  In a little over twelves hours I'll be off on a new adventure and bring back pictures and tales next week!

 

 

 

December 2nd

Just a quick check in to say I'll be back later with more posts throughout the month of December.  Life has been different and busy.  There's a lot to reflect on about 2017 which I hope to do in the coming weeks...some of that reflection may end up here (as well as photos, of course!).

I'm doing Vlogmas videos over at my YouTube channel again this year, so you can take a gander over the month of December if you're so inclined.  After next week the month will become calm as my work, volunteer and travel activity will subside.  I plan on having a quiet, contemplative and creatively inspired winter season...gearing up for the coming year.