The Third Act

november 20

The Japanese maple is finally turning...

 

 

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november 19

My mom passed away yesterday.  She was just shy of 101.  Tomorrow would have been my dad's birthday.  I can't escape the feeling that she was finally ready to join the gang in the after life and celebrate her husband's birthday once more (and I realize all the illogic behind that notion, but still).  That was a long life.  She was born during the first World War, lived through the second (spending eighteen months in the Navy), raised five kids, had a marriage that lasted over 60 years until my died passed, was fluent in two languages, enjoyed coffee and cake and loved to chew gum.  She was curious, observant and was blessed with a functional mind until the end.  It's weird to think she's gone.  But she does live on in our memories and I know a little bit of her is in me.

 

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november 18

I adore the morning and afternoon light that streams into the windows right now.  It'll definitely stop me in my tracks.  It also gives me some images to post to this daily blog.

There's only a month and a half left to this project, these daily postings during the year that leads up to my turning 60.  It's been a good practice since it's given me something to focus on every day.  That being said, it's not like there haven't been other things to focus on.  But, if other things fall apart I know that I've built momentum and dedication to this and that I will sit down and write and share some images, no matter how boring or mundane.  A practice, just like so many others, that brings a sense of being present.

My mom continues to transition into her next phase.  The news is she had a stroke mid week and hasn't been conscious since.  I try to connect with her spirit to send her on her way.  It's a tricky thing, all of this, for a multitude of reasons.  I would say all my siblings and I are in a holding pattern right now.  That's particularly uncomfortable for me, but I guess that would be another thing to practice with.  The world in general feels like it's in such a state of transition and, often, confusion.  What a weird time.  Then again, it's always a weird time in one way or another.  

 

 

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november 17

I'm exhausted so I have a very mundane, very short blog post to share for today.  My dojo attended an all day aikido seminar at a local college...a good time was had by all...I photographed the first half and practiced the second.  I'm ready to call it a day...

 

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november 16

My tea tasted like a different time and a different place this morning.  Funny how the senses work, the connections that are made in the brain.  I can't say whether it's comfortable or uncomfortable...it just is.  

My mom is transitioning out of her corporeal form.  Her 101st birthday would be on December 11th but it's looking unlikely she will make it.  Her consciousness isn't on this plane anymore I'm told.  I saw her in August, when we connected, we chatted and reminisced.  I talked to her on the phone after that and she was engaged, asking after everyone.  She's hung on a long time.  When someone hangs on that long, even though the obvious is inevitable, it's still...weird and disorienting to know that that ultimate physical separation is immanent.  

I can't help but think my dream the night (see previous day's post) before last might have something to do with her process.  Mothers and children, especially mothers and daughters, have a connection that goes beyond the conscious.  Especially my mom, where dreams are concerned...she talked a lot about her dreams.  Maybe she's making her way out, breaking through that barrier to her next phase.  

 

 

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november 15

I had a dream this morning.  I was trapped in a cave...or a tunnel...I'm not sure.  At some point, I realized I was in a dream and decided to push on the surface above me to release myself from this confinement.  Gradually the hard ceiling started to stress and show fibers with light behind them.  And then, voila, I  pushed through and was free.  As it would happen was on the top of a moving train car, but it wasn't runaway just traveling at a good, purposeful clip.  The air was clear with snow capped mountains in the distance.  It felt so good and I knew it was important that I remember this.  The rest of the dream sort of devolved into lucid weirdness, but the important part was that beginning.  

 

 

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november 14

It was a day for getting stuff done...which included a visit to the dentist.  Fortunately, no novocaine was required.  It was also a day for keeping the wood stove going.  This evening, we'll call it a night early.  I'm working hard on getting more sleep in these darker days.  Sleep...it's always been an issue for me.  But it helps to make things calm and comfortable, which is my aim.  Needless to say, Avery likes a fire in the stove as well...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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november 13

It's a gray, wet morning.  Throughout the night there was a steady, but gentle rain.  The piled up leaves are settling under the weight of the wetness, which was the intention behind getting all that work done yesterday.

I'll be off to VisArts shortly.  I'm not sure what I'll be working on during my session.  I may bring along my Agfa Isolette folder and a roll of film to reacquaint myself.  Whether it's because of the continued rain and gray skies, or the increased darkness of this time of year, finding focus and productivity has been a little iffy recently.  The ground beneath my feet is...soggy?  But that happens.  Bringing out the journal and noting the basic schedule and activities to be accomplished helps.  Still, there's that anxious quiver inside (which I know is something to be observed compassionately, but dagnabit it gets really annoying).  

 

 

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november 12

Mother nature was accommodating and had the rain hold off until I finished my yard work.  This was another four hour session wrangling leaves (the driveway alone was covered with a two inch layer the whole length).  It's interesting to think about other leaves I've dealt with in homes of the past.  There was a fifty or so foot ash tree we had at the house in Phoenix.  I loved that tree because when it turned it finally felt like autumn in the desert.  It would sport the most lovely golden yellow color.  I remember making a few piles of the fallen leaves for the kids to play in (I know I have photos somewhere).  I remember thinking there were so many leaves to rake.  Fast forward to a yard with half a dozen or so seventy foot tall deciduous trees (and I won't even count the pines with their dropping needles) and the volume seems exponentially increased!  Sometimes I stop and I look at the four cubic yard accumulation (repeat that several times over the course of October, November, December) that I'm herding under the trees and I think "Look what you can do, Therese!!"

I'm finally back inside with Avery.  It's ridiculously dark for how early it still is.  The wood stove is heating my little creative space downstairs, after getting all cleaned out by the chimney guys today.  Laundry is almost done.  I have to say I'm happy to have leftovers and don't have to think about cooking anything for dinner.  It's time for a heating pad for my back now!

 

 

 

 

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november 11

We are back home (I picked up Avery before I got to the house). It was a good trip.  Perhaps it didn't go exactly as planned but even in the hiccups it provided good and useful experiences.  There was a lot of visiting involved with good connection, which is so vital to my well being.  I saw artwork and listened to music and ate good food.  I got good feedback on my work and now need to focus on making decisions for a show (how many pieces? which ones?  what do I write about each piece? where can I get some affordable frames?).  That last bit is wonderful, but slightly unnerving and scary for me too!

The rain didn't stop me from wandering around on Friday.  Saturday was the classic fall day with clear skies and very chilly winds.  I didn't get to make photographs at the National Mall because of the weather, but I did make a few digitals (and perhaps far too many to Instagram with my phone) at the cemetery yesterday.  I also brought home a couple rolls of exposed film (to be added to the already four rolls of color to send out for processing).

And now it's time to settle back into the routine.  Traveling typically requires a day or two to come down from.  I think when I used to travel with family it was different because home was with me the whole time.  When I get out of my environment now it almost feels like I need to create a touchstone or ritual to keep feeling connected to home, and not so discombobulated upon my return.  It's all a work in process...just like life!

 

 

 

 

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