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I knew the undercounter fixtures in the kitchen needed replacing...at some point. I thought I could eek out a little more time with them. But one fixture gave up the ghost and it was cheaper to replace them all than try to fix the one that went out. In addition, I finally had the horrific, raw fluorescent thing over the since replaced with a nice, hanging pendent lamp (complete with red glass shade). The windowsill tableau even got taken down and cleaned up before being put back into place.
...I wasn't sure if I might not be dying. I had an experience of heart palpitations, that just didn't go away like they usually do. This isn't unusual for me...heart palpitations. It's quite common, especially with post menopausal women (at least based on my rough observation). So...no...they wouldn't go away and I ended getting caught up in an intense panic attack. This went on for some time, until my lovely neighbor came to my aid and took me to the ER. I was hooked up to an EKG machine and had about five vials of blood drawn. I gradually settled down. No matter how much I feel uncomfortable with the hospital setting, I tell ya, it had a calming influence when I didn't know what the hell was going on with my body.
Anyway...turned out EKG was normal. Bloods were normal I was told, but then was told I had hyperthyroidism. Okay, I thought, I can deal with that. Over the next couple days I did some research and talked to others who have experienced this condition. Then I looked at my labs and noticed that my thyroid data was in the normal range. This was quite confusing. I finally went to the doctor on Tuesday and we rechecked. Lo and behold...my thyroid is normal and even my vitamin D levels are normal. I'm relieved, although slightly perplexed by my experience.
There are a number of factors that could have converged to cause the situation I found my body in. I'll spare you the boring details. But the thing I realized was...I need to make sure I rest and address my anxiety. I try, I really do...but I've been falling short. No more staying up until three a.m. reading, or endlessly surfing the internet because I'm lonely. It's not worth it. And I'm not going to push myself through physical labor if I feel I need to rest (or eat, or drink water) first. People can neglect their bodies in all sorts of ways. While I've always been good at proper diet and exercise, I've not always been good at abstaining from alcohol or caffeine (even the small amounts I consume) when I should...or getting enough sleep...or simply allowing that my body needs rest and conscious relaxation. It can be a catch 22 in that, for me, I can get anxious about "doing it right" even if it's with the intention of trying to relax more! Balance...it seems to always come down to balance.
I feel better today than I did a week ago in a number of ways. I'm looking at how I can construct/reconstruct my life to make it healthier and happier. Maybe I've never truly believed that happiness (or contentment and satisfaction, really) were available to me. It struck me at how painful the thought was that I might die, not being near my family. I was nowhere near death, but with a panic stricken mind I sure did think that. But the point is, how can I feel more connected and in touch with everyone and everything I love? I'm sixty years old. It's a blessing to have made it this far. But the next however many years I want to really count. It's a continuing exploration...and it might be good to look at it as an adventure. Working on it.
Today, was lovely...
...took my Instax Mini along. Wasted at least a couple prints on misjudging the light...but I like these two!
...thinking a lot about that and what it means to me on the deepest level...
While I'd prefer to have the real estate that Instax wide film offers, right now my Instax Mini camera actually allows me more control. That being the case, I've been experimenting with longer exposures and the bulb setting, to give me the light I need indoors. I do admit to wasting quite a few little sheets of film...learning curve and all.
The other thing that's driving me to photograph like this, is the current review process of all my old Polaroid work. What I love most about those is the expression of what was important to me at the time. There's a sense of loss when I view these old photos. I aim to bridge the gap between the old and the new and more consciously move into documenting and expressing the now. Turns out, the same things still touch my heart and are important to me...a sense of home and a nurturing environment and perhaps a little bit of magic.
Got some film and took this little instant camera out for a test run. Well, it was more of a re-learning curve run as I've used it before. The day was dull, for the better part of it. Still feeling wintery, although it warmed up later on.
Recently I pulled out a good chunk of my collection of Polaroid prints. There's a photo book meet up I attend once a month, but I hadn't bought any new books recently, so I decided to take some of this work to share. It was a pleasant surprise to see how well received the small images were. In fact, the enthusiasm was enough to gain some offered help at editing and perhaps having a collection to show (in some way...this is all very preliminary). I've rekindled my delight in instant film (now, only Instax is available in my price range, and I may need to get a different camera model that offers a tad more control) after reviewing all this work, prints in hand (which is quite different than looking at the scanned and posted work as it is on Flickr ).
Going through my wooden boxes and drawers that contain all these prints has been a task I've been meaning to address for a while. It's nice to be finally getting at it. It's super nice to still feel so much joy in the work. It's a genre that continues to resonate. There's an embarrassingly large number of self portraits in this collection. I say embarrassingly...there's really nothing to be embarrassed about (an issue to work with, perhaps??). But many of these are interesting and well done (or at least I feel that way...from the most objective position I can take). I'm trying to figure out how to present a selection (not just the self portraits, all of them) and what makes sense in that presentation. It's going to deal with a lot of things...but so far the philosophical rhyme and reason is nebulous in my mind.
Regarding most of the peel apart prints, they are on Fuji film (now, sadly, completely discontinued). But there are a small number on Polaroid film (if you were to ask me which one, I couldn't tell you). One small pack of prints have aged to a sweet, purpley/brownish gray. I've done my best to scan them as close to the prints in real life appearance, but my scanner glass needs cleaning (on the inside...which I'm totally intimidated to do) so you'll notice some weird mottling in the darker portions of the images. I've also made the decision to not edit out the specks and leave the prints on the raw side.
These are from several years ago...perhaps 2011?