The Third Act

when the path gets uncertain

There's some stuff going on right now.  Well firstly, there's one issue I learned about last week, and worked through my emotions regarding moving through.  I talked with my counselor this morning and while there's still a normal amount of anxiety, I'm doing better than I thought I might.  Then this other issue came up...a littler thing in the grand scheme of things (and not one that I was totally oblivious too, but yeah, let's pick right now to deal with it...  sigh ).   But I think my energy may have been given over to the first thing...my healthy dealing with it energy.  So I found myself starting to go down the spiral that ends with obsessing (about something that isn't fully understood yet...but, but, but...) and noting just how fucking uncomfortable that is. 

I managed to pull myself out of the spiral...or at least start to.  I made a call, had a conversation, and continue to work on putting things in perspective.  Because if there's one thing I'm grand at, it's that "everything is awful and my life is doomed" imagination.  At this point, the ground feels a least a little more solid under my feet.

I have to admit, there are some significant shifts going on in my consciousness.  There's a lot of reframing, opening up, and simply allowing what is...and that does take work.  It's all good...it's all necessary.  I understand (at least intellectually) the stuck places, the grooves in my brain that hold me back from joy and moving into a truly vibrant way of being.  So when it feels like crap gets piled on top of crap (whether it's real or perceived is irrelevant at this point) I try to remember the work that's in progress and build on any gains I've made.  I try to remember, "Therese, you felt like this before and you dealt or are dealing with it...you can do this."  I figure it's like looking up a mountain and knowing where I want to be and choosing a path that seems like it will get me there most effectively.  Then I come to the other side of a bend and see the thicket before me, or the rocks that don't look quite as stable as I'd like them to.  Oh lordy, it can really feel shitful in the moment because my brain wants to desperately cling to those old grooves.  At which point I say, "go ahead and cry, go ahead and feel what you feel right now...then pull some cards, or take pictures of your new work and get on with your life."

May I just say...oy, oy, oy.

(and as always...because I'm trying to begin to make a living at this, please check out my Society6 shop and my books on Blurb and share with your friends!)

 

 

 

Brain dump?

That was quite a dream.   I can't say why it was so detailed, although I can point to real life input at various parts.  Still...it was a doozy.

Maybe it's because I've been getting to bed earlier and getting up earlier. Maybe it's from recently cutting out alcohol (you'd think the opposite!).  Maybe it's meditating more routinely (which I haven't gotten to yet this morning because I wanted to get this down).

Anyway...here goes (in stream of consciousness style)... 

The first act begins with me in a doctor's office.  Somehow I narrowly escape a kidnapping (well, a couple folks taking the whole office hostage).  I see the perpetrators and call 911.  My (now deceased in real life) mom shows up in a mini van (she was never a great driver) and we try to track down the kidnappers (who at this point really only took twin babies). Mom is taking wrong turns all over the place and at one point ends up driving through a trail in a nature preserve (and I ponder why I'm not driving). We almost give up, but stop at a bank (a bank?  really?  a bank?) and I look over and spy the babies!  HaHA!  I've found them.  For a split second Phyllis Smith (celebrities occasionally, randomly, show up in my dreams...and no, I haven't watched The Office in ages) was seen sitting next to the babies (apparently she's one of the kidnappers). I scoop one baby up and tell mom to get the other (she wonders about "getting in trouble" and I remind her that they've been kidnapped and we're saving them).  The sensation of holding the baby is quite real and tender...I haven't held a baby in forever.  I shout to those nearby what's going on, someone says they heard about it on the news and the police are called.  Case solved and a celebration of sorts (tables and food set all throughout the...bank?) ensues.

Second act begins somewhere in...Oregon?  I'm at the house of the Decemberists (all of them? and wow...second dream visit by celebrities in one night!).  While examining artwork and doodads on the wall, I see the band getting ready to parade out for a performance.  I realize I'm probably not supposed to be where I am and say, "excuse me" as they march past.  I follow them (for some reason, I'm wearing a weird, crocheted costume) and to my surprise, float/fly up to the ceiling of a large performance space (this house is a big, old Victorian).  I get to watch them play while floating around the ceiling and think that it's the best way ever to view a concert. At the end of the song (there was only one...and I don't remember what it was...and this was just a rehearsal) I float down to the floor doing loops through the air (it really was quite delightful).  At this point, everyone is just hanging out, fiddling on their guitars or writing...and we visit. There's a marginal understanding that this is a dream and I wonder if the band will remember me in waking life.  I walk over to a window and look out at the countryside, noting wild horses running about and...men in buckskin chasing each other and shooting rifles.  I go back inside and mention this odd scene and am told that there are a lot of historical re-enactments in the area.  Colin (Meloy of the Decemberists) notes the girth of my bag and questions what's inside.  I say it's probably multiple cameras and proceed to pull things out and realize there's a raincoat stuffed inside as well (after all...this is Oregon?).  Various and sundry characters go in and out and there are lots of rooms in this place.  Finally it's time for me to leave.  Now, let me say right here that while I have great affection and affinity for the Decemberists, I'm not exactly a fan girl.  But in any case, I'm heading out and Colin (Meloy of the Decemberists) and I embrace goodbye....and it's lovely and loving, slightly romantic but not quite.  Mostly it's reciprocal affection and a reflection/resonance of spirit.  It's a feeling of that first recognition of mutual endearment that can be so profound.  I have not experienced this in real life in forever and although it shows up in dreams occasionally, it's probably been at least a couple years since I last recall such a thing.  It was a sweet and entertaining dream from which to wake...and it showed me I still have so much within, even if I think it's lost.  After all, dreams are simply a conjuring of what comes from the individual psyche and spirit.  Taken as a whole, this subconscious reverie represents the desire (and potential) for purpose, for connection and for love...quite simple, really.

(below area few Instax mini films I made yesterday...because I need something visual to go with this, even if not directly related!)

 

 

 

 

 

finally...

The temperatures have cooled off and there's a nice, gentle rain (so far).  What a difference a day makes!  It's lovely to have the house open wide again.  

Apparently it's "roll film week" over at Flickr.  I randomly happened upon that info so, yes, I joined the group.  As fortune would have it, I have some new pinhole images to go up.  Some of these are from Reedy Creek a few weeks ago and a few are from the VMFA, which I visited last Friday.  While not terribly inventive, they do illustrate good, solid practice.  

I've been working on a couple images with which to make transparencies for cyanotype printing.  A theme is coming together and I'll see how well it expands. It'll be interesting to print new negatives for this process again.  Oddly enough, the printer which I've been using for a few years, seems to apply the ink differently than my old printer.  My experience has been that the ink is denser, so I need to factor that in when I'm adjusting the negatives.  It's been a while since I've worked with these...which requires going through a learning curve again.  As usual...we shall see!

 

 

 

 

 

 

vmfa

Twice in one week I've been over to the VMFA (Virginia Museum of Fine Art).  Today was to meet up with someone I met at a talk last week, to review how we may have worked with the ideas presented.  The nice young woman met me in the cafe and we chatted for about an hour.  Afterward I wandered around with my Instax Mini for a bit and below are the little pictures I made.  I also finished up a roll of film in the Zero, but time will tell if I process that today.

I also found out my pieces didn't get into the Memento Mori show at the Target Gallery.  It was a long shot.  Next time I'll save my money and take myself out to dinner!  No worries, I'm going to keep doing my work.  Rejection doesn't make me want to stop making art...it just makes me inclined to avoid juried shows.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What day is it?

I had a house guest for a few days and it's made time feel very wonky.  True, my usual schedule is a bit vague as it is.  But, you know, when there's a guest it feels like a weekend (rather like when a holiday falls mid week!).

In any case, it's very hot and humid.  That is simply...the weather report.

I did finally get around to making several cyanotype flags for a "goddess garden" set.  Go me!  It's taken far too long to pull myself back around to this work, so the movement feels good.  There are enough pieces of fabric coated for a couple more sets.  Hopefully I won't wait too long to get going on those. 

 

 

once upon a time...

I finally processed the last of the mystery film.  This is another roll from 2005, this time shot in the Holga.  I know this was from when I first acquired that camera, because it still had the 6x4.5 mask in it.  I'm guessing I only shot a couple rolls like that and then switched to the 6x6 (which in my mind was a no brainer and I never looked back...square all the way, baby!).  The film is HP5 and is only slightly worse for age...again, in some ways adding character to the images.

Some of the pictures are from a Christmas tree farm we went to that year.  I used Flickr and one of my old blogs to cross reference with a digital image I'd made on that little outing.  Sometimes I ponder the fact that I have thousands of photos and blog posts online (nearly a thousand videos too), dating back to another lifetime.  But it sure comes in handy when I want to figure out dates of life's little events.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

up and down..and up and down

Isn't that that way it goes?  I think I don't let it upset me so much any more...maybe I'm learning to ride the waves better.  Still...it's...tiring.

I've seen so much that's been inspiring lately.  I've had great conversations that have been motivating.  And yet...the dips and depressions (sometimes quite literally in a psychological sense) keep me from forging ahead (partially because my sleep is adversely affected).  Little things get accomplished, though...stepping stones.  Little indeed are these mini prints. 

Oh, and that humidity out there right now is a bitch...that doesn't help at all.

But...onward I go!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

in another lifetime

resurrected film,

hibernating images,

another lifetime

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy New Moon!

But let me share something old with you!

I had had several rolls of film sitting unprocessed for a long time.  A few I knew were from 2014...ok, that's not terribly unreasonable and I'll be getting to those.  But for a number of other rolls, I had no idea when they could be from.  So, I finally got myself motivated to get through the lot.  I figured I'd see some Holga or Pinhole images from before I moved to Virginia.  Well, I was quite shocked to see frames shot in my Mamiya 645 and they were of Hawaii!  The last trip the family and I had to Hawaii was 2005.  What a hoot!  One roll looks completely fine, the other has some weird mottling on it (it was a different speed...I think FP4...the HP5 was pretty much perfect).  I ended up going down a rabbit hole, searching for some companion images in color (because who knows why I had chosen to shoot a sunset in black and white!), eventually resurrecting slides I'd shot on the old Canon AE-1.

Other than that, it was a very productive day this new moon.  My intentions are to bring in fresh energy and enthusiasm for my life...to reach out and grab new experiences, friendships and creative efforts.