The Third Act

last day of August

Monday morning after a night of insomnia.  I did get to sleep okay, but woke up shortly after three am.  I checked my phone to see the time, then made the mistake of poking around online.  Not a wise choice, but knowing myself, understandable (and I'm not going to beat myself up about it).  After a few hours...well maybe four (the majority of which were *not* spent glued to a screen)...I decided to just get up.

Middle of the night reveries often devolve emotionally in these strange times.  Worries upon worries.  Loneliness exacerbated.  It's interesting to observe my journey through states of mind.  In the end, I'm at an okay place, sometimes even energized (probably temporarily, but I take what I can get).  I do sometimes get ideas to express artistically, which is a silver lining...maybe?  Perhaps that's just how it works for me.  I get up and look at myself in the mirror and wonder if I'll ever feel safe, happy, loved again.  And I think, "maybe I can be okay with all that."

 

survival mode

A friend reminded me the other day that we're in survival mode right now.  Nothing is normal.  We are in crisis.

Be good to yourself.  Be good to each other.  Do what you can.  Don't feel bad about feeling bad.  Hang in there.

 

 

 

Saturday

My creative ideas are almost like dreams right now.  I notice something arise...a thought, a feeling, and a need to express it.  But if I wait, it fades...and that waiting doesn't necessarily need to be long to lose the thread. Then I sit around wondering what it was that I wanted to produce.  Maybe it's because I'm not sleeping at all well again right now.  I'm in a phase of waking up too much, too early, and letting emotions enter in that keep me from fading back into slumber.  I straddle this fence between sensing the energy of possibility and enthusiasm, and mucking around in a nihilistic funk.  

I'm tired of being alone...I'm tired of heat and humidity...I'm tired of assholes who don't care about anyone except themselves...I could go on, but y'all know what I'm talking about.

But...I'm thankful for the family and friends who have kept me company in phone calls and video chats, bolstering my spirits and allowing me to feel the love!  You know who are.

 

 

open to interpretation

(mostly because my head isn't producing words at the moment...)

 

 

what's on my mind?

Autumn.  The color orange and the scent of cinnamon.  Fires in the wood stove.  Pies...apple, and pumpkin.  Chrysanthemums and colored gourds.  Soups and stews.  Halloween.  Nesting (like I haven't done any of that in the past several months...but still).  Leaves turning all sorts of warm colors.  The election (I wait with bated breath to get through the whole thing).  Putting the garden to bed and at the same time, thinking about the future.  What does the future hold, anyway?  Potential...I hope.

September is less than a week away.  2020, you're a naughty year, passing so quickly with nothing to show (not that it was necessarily uneventful).  Maybe it's just me...maybe I have nothing to show.  Moving in slow motion as time speeds right past me.  I thought 2019 was a weird year!!  Little did I know.

In the mean time...rose hips and sunflower seeds harvested from the garden.

 

 

 

late August

My front yard was in need of attention today.  I mowed and weed whacked and tended to about a quarter of the garden area that needed cleaning up.  Two hours or so was enough to get things presentable.  There's still lots to do, though.  I'd like to get some mushroom compost to put down in areas where plants will be removed.  It'd be nice to do a little fall planting, which I really haven't done in the past.  

And it is starting to feel just a bit like fall.  I wasn't sweating like crazy while working outside, so that means the humidity is lower.  Temperature is in the upper 80s but it's still pretty comfortable out and quite tolerable...which indicates a seasonal shift.  Sure, it's going to get hot for a few days after this, but then...it's looking like a gradual, two steps forward one step back, slide into autumn.  

I'm making the effort to be present with things as they are.  It's not always easy, but it's helpful.  Staying busy is helpful too, whether that means working in the garden or in the studio (which...I just haven't been motivated to do).  If art doesn't seem to be bubbling up in me, I'm reading about artists.  I'm writing a little.  I just keep taking the steps.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

stirring my tea

As much as it's gotten more difficult to drag myself out of bed early to walk (maybe because it's getting lighter later?) I did so again this morning.  It's still very humid, so while the walks start out pretty pleasant, it definitely feels good to take a shower afterward.  

My car's AC needed fixing, so I had to get it up to the mechanic early and leave it, making this morning slightly rushed.  Because of social distancing policy, I just leave the keys in an envelope, noting what needs work at the shop.  I got a Lyft home, with a progressively minded Asian American driver (who was listening to NPR) and we had a lively discussion about politics on the short drive.  Once home, I had my tea.  I don't like to rush morning tea.

I won't lie (well, why would I?), I'm anxiously awaiting autumn.  There's always a good spark of energy I feel when the weather shifts.  I can see where the leaves are changing ever so slightly from their deep summer green, bringing in just a touch of yellow/green to the mix.  I suppose I should order more firewood (crossing my fingers for a cold winter)...

 

little fruits

The figs in the garden are finally starting to ripen.  There are quite a few fruits hanging on the tree, so it's a game to see if I can pick them when ripe enough, but before the birds get to the them.  The birds are very smart.

One of the little raspberry plants is also producing a little crop.  When I first planted it back last spring, it was already setting a bit of fruit.  It was surprising, however, to see a few more clusters of berries happening now.  The poor little thing isn't even particularly robust.  It will probably gain some strength after going dormant this winter and coming back next year.

Speaking of winter...  Well, it's not even fall yet.  In fact, summer is coming around again for a final (probably not...that's just wishful thinking) hurrah.  Temperatures will climb into the 90s this week.  It's still rather humid as well.  After all the rain we've had, it'll be humid for a while.

 

 

it's a jungle out there

The rains have stopped (for the most part), but the temps are going to rise for the next week and it's pretty sticky.  The garden just keeps on growing, although some plants are passing on.  I'm seeing more butterflies now, who especially like the zinnia's and Mexican red sunflowers which have finally started blooming.  While things could use some TLC in the garden, it can wait another week until a little more cooling happens.  I get out there in small increments, but there's a half day's work that really needs to be done and I'm just not up for that much discomfort!  Besides, there's plenty to keep plugging away at inside.

 

 

 

 

productivity

Well, today I was actually productive enough to finish a task!  I finally put my art room downstairs back in order, after last week's little flood.  It feels good down there now, especially because I actually threw a fair bit of stuff out.  Supplies are organized now, and workspaces clear (enough) to make art again...when the spirit moves me.

In the mean time, I got a new shipment of Instax film...yay!