The Third Act

and the leaves start to fall

This Japanese maple...I tell you.  What an utter delight it has been this year!  The temperatures and moisture levels allowed it to come into full bloom color.  Now, the leaves are starting to carpet the ground under the tree and it's magical.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Almost December...

Yup, winter is coming...

 

 

is it over yet?

I have to say, I could probably use some good meds again.  I have the SSRIs I was using before, but I'm a bit loathe to go back to them, given they slowed my metabolism way down (which was a stressor in its own right).  Maybe I should just accept that I will always be sad and lonely?  Maybe it's just my mental make up to feel...emotionally uncomfortable?  I dunno...it's the aloneness that really gets to me...it makes my head go to all sorts of places...personal history and regret.  If I had always felt this sad and unmoored, it would be one thing.  But I know that when I lived a life that was more intimately connected, I didn't feel this way.  Sure, I had ups and downs but not like this.

I have to say, this pandemic and the stress of the past four years (especially) have certainly brought personal priorities to the forefront.  The challenge is, how to create a life with acknowledgement of those priorities and not feel like the effort is hopeless. There's always work to do...

 

Friday after Thanksgiving...

...looking for the light...waiting for the tea.

 

 

Thanksgiving day 2020

I hope you all have a lovely day, that you're connected in some form or fashion to those you love, that you have a roof over your head and food on the table.

Of course, I'm thankful for all that blesses my life...my family, friends that are supportive and interested in me, and all the fundamental necessities.  And from this rather privileged place I see I have a responsibility as well...to understand and empathize with those different from me, with those less fortunate and disenfranchised.  I could do more and will make that effort.

In the meantime, I'm also thankful to the part of me that keeps me going...keeps me going in the isolation and the ebb and flow of a strained psychological make up.  I do what I can to take care of myself.  Given who I am (or who I think I am), I gotta pat myself on the back a little.  I've been there for myself in the middle of night, in the scary times, in times of simply putting out a lot of effort both physical and mental.  I think those of us who may have a little more challenging emotional life might do well to acknowledge how we support ourselves in the many, sometimes small, sometimes large ways.  

I wish you all a lovely day.

 

 

Thanksgiving week, Wednesday

I've been living in Richmond, Virginia for well over six years now...time flies.  And while half of my psyche and heart remain in California, I feel a lot of gratitude for this adopted city I landed in.  It's given me an opportunity to live decently and within my means.  It's provided good food and interesting activities.  It's offered a wonderful arts community, with plenty ways to learn new things.  To add to all the above, it's a fairly central to the rest of the east coast, should I ever feel the desire to travel and see new places (or go back to old places...like Philly and NYC)...when it's safe to do so again.

If you'd asked me ten years ago, if I'd imagine I'd be living in what used to be the capitol of the confederacy, well, no I wouldn't have imagined that.  But this city has grown on me and there are occasions when I feel reasonably content here.  If my kids were located on the east coast, I'd feel pretty rooted.  As it is, I work my transplant as best I'm able...and I do fairly well.  I've never felt serious culture shock, which some folks find surprising.  But the city of Richmond has a lot of diversity and a good progressive contingent.  The people I've met have been friendly and kind and there are a fair bit of kindred spirits even in my own neighborhood.  

Virginia is a beautiful state.  It doesn't have quite the drama and range that California does, but it holds its own...especially in the autumn.  I do enjoy having four distinct seasons.  While I could do without the bugs and sweat of summer, all the other seasons are lovely.  I'd take a good snow or two this winter, if it were offered...just sayin'.  Time will tell.

 

 

 

 

Tuesday, Thanksgiving week...

I'm thankful for my home...for all the homes I've had in my life.  I've been blessed with stability where this particular subject is concerned, and that's no small thing.

Home and my intimate surroundings have always played a role in supporting my creativity.  I have made a few homes with a partner and a family, and an equal number on my own (although years-wise, more time has been spent in a shared abode).  Each scenario has its pros and cons...living alone allows for total creative expression, no one to say "you want to paint the wall what color?" but it's also less soul satisfying and can be lonely.  If I had the option to choose, my gut response would be, "of course I'd rather live with a loved one!"  But I also know I've grown to appreciate my autonomy in creating a space that is fine tuned to my preferences.  Life rarely provides an opportunity for me to tick off all the boxes on my "makes me most happy" list...so I learn to be grateful for what I have.

 

 

 

 

Thanksgiving week...

Monday...  I'm thankful for my Japanese maple, outside the living room window, and the show it's putting on this year.  Every autumn the colors seem a little different, based on rains, temperatures, and other environmental factors.  2020 gave this area a lot of precipitation.  While the temperatures have yo-yoed, there have been enough dips to get the color changes going.  In addition, it hasn't gotten super cold (say, a few nights in the low 20s) so the leaves have retained their integrity and not simply quick froze.  

So, yes, I'm thankful for the daily changes of color the Japanese maple is providing, as well as all the other color that has come to my little urban forest neighborhood this fall.

 

 

 

 

Sunday morning tea...

...after a night of interrupted sleep.

I went to bed early and fell into a nice slumber at a very decent hour (say, by 9:30pm).  Sometime in the night I woke (as I usually do) and could feel that sleep was going to be elusive for a while.  This doesn't always happen, but last night it did.  I tossed and turned, I read, I watched a couple YouTube videos, and my mind thought and thought and thought many thoughts.  I was a this close to getting up and starting some creative projects...but I held back.  At some point sleep returned.  Weird.  Well, not really that unusual as this is just a thing my body/brain does occasionally.  I know, as well, that the experience is connected to the low level anxiety, the isolation, and general strangeness of these times.  At least it doesn't totally overwhelm as it used to in the past.

The front yard waits for a bit of tidying.  There are organizational tasks downstairs in my creative space to address.  A bit of grocery shopping may round out my to-do list for the day.

It's strange to navigate these days that seem to simultaneously offer a feeling of tremendous potential (interior and creative) and a profound sense of frustration and concern.  

 

 

time to shine (for the Japanese maple)

Y'all are going to get tired of colorful leaves.  I'm just trying to keep at my daily practice.  Today was the first day, in this whole year, that I wondered why I even bother!  I don't like feeling that way and I'm not entirely sure why it's happening.  But...I bother because I've committed to sharing a little beauty, every day, for this entire, stinkin' 2020 and by golly, I'm going to do so!