The Third Act

winter solstice morning...

in front of the wood stove.  It was a good place to be.

 

 

workshop day 2

 

workshop day

 

 

 

 

 

 

Almost winter

on a chilly evening...

...in mid December...

 

 

 

early morning...

I woke around 4am and laid in bed for a couple hours.  It's cold out...rain is expected...I lament the lack of snow.  I do love holiday lights in the dark, wee hours of the morning, though.  A fire is started in the wood stove.  I need to decide whether to have my tea before or after my shower.

My mind was cranking away shortly after waking.  There is a situation in my life right now from which I feel I need an exit strategy.  I'm trying to formulate a plan, but first, combing through the tangle of assessing what needs changing and understanding why.  Could be I think too much.

On the plus side, I can see a silver lining.  I can see that going down a path that proves unsatisfactory isn't all bad because it sheds light on what will be a better fit.

Completely unrelated (or perhaps only nominally so), I'm coming up on the last couple weeks of this current 365 (or is it 366 this year?) project.  When I started out, like so many, I had no idea how 2020 was going to unfold.  I'm not sure how well, or artistically, or insightfully that's reflected in my blog posts for this year, but here they are.  A chronicle of the year of ...COVID ...of the obscene wrap up (presumably) of this destructive administration  ...of heartbreaking cruelty and injustice  ...and on a lighter note, of my own forays into other art forms and practices.  Whew!  I'm hesitant to hold 2021 up as a beacon, because that's what I did with 2020.  That being said, I feel like there is at least some light at the end of the tunnel.

 

 

just one...

Feeling a bit under the weather, so here's a little pinhole from Pony Pasture park, taken on Thanksgiving.

My, the year has flown!

 

soup

It was a cold, rainy Monday.  The skies cleared late this afternoon, but even then our walk was rather chilly...and I enjoyed that.  So, it's a good evening for mushroom barley soup.

 

 

collecting...

I've never really considered myself a collector to any degree.  In fact, I think I've held a sort of pride regarding keeping my space open and free.  Lately, however, one thing starts to lead to the next.  As with the china and depression glass from the other day, I was enticed by other objects when I finally came across my rug (which fits the space perfectly, is in fine shape, is the color I wanted and I believe it's wool as well!).  The small estate sale had a number of interesting things that came home with me...like an old Kodak processing tank made out of tin, a cast iron cauldron (small), a crocheted table covering and an old Gothic steeple style clock.  I lamented to my neighbor that I don't know what's happening to me (in jest...but not entirely) and she made the point that I'm nesting and doing things to make this continued hunkering down feel more comforting.  I think she may be right.

 

 

 

Saturday...

I've been grappling with anxiety triggers this morning.  I recognize it's more often that not, not just one thing that gets the ball rolling.  Triggers, for me, will often piggy back, with some of them hiding down below the surface.  It isn't until I find myself fixating on that single point of focus that's causing me to frizzle and frazzle within, that I realize the foundation below is unstable.  Well, truth be told, I do know this but it's not always forefront in my consciousness.

So this morning, I'm feeling myself go in this direction of extreme unsettledness.  If you haven't personally dealt with a clinical anxiety condition, it's hard to explain the experience.  It's beyond a little bit of concern or even moderate worry.  The anxiety is simultaneously felt in my body and head...a weird combination of buzzing and numbness.  There's a sense of the ground pulling out from under my feet and an entrapment in my mind.  I can talk to myself until I'm blue in the face, but that doesn't remove the discomfort.  But I am very slowly learning to use some tools to cope.  Namely, breath, movement and meditation practices.  And pulling out a camera and literally focusing on something else is always helpful.