I've developed a bad habit of immediately checking my phone when I wake up. How's the weather? Do I have emails (rarely do I get important emails)? Who has posted to Flickr, Instagram? What memories are showing up on FaceBook? I'm not exactly sure why I do this, but my suspicion is that it has to do with a need for connection. Living alone can some times be hard...living in isolation, during a pandemic, has amplified that.
When talking to my counselor yesterday, I noted how I felt off. I couldn't pinpoint this unsettledness. Through our discussion, I came to the conclusion it had to do with an uncertainty of purpose. What is my purpose at this point in my life after all? After years of raising a family and feeling like I had a vital role, living just for myself has been confusing. In addition, through the past year I've curtailed volunteer efforts and even a work situation (which in reality wasn't healthy, so it was a good decision). Easing back into a semblance of purposefulness is going to take reflection and settledness. To circle back on my first paragraph, the morning habit of compulsively checking in isn't helpful.
This morning when I woke, I tried something different. The window was cracked so I listened to the crescendo of birdsong, noting the different calls and the change in volume over time. Then I breathed, deeply, and started to imagine all the people in the world I know and don't know. What are my friends in Europe doing at this moment? Is it lunchtime there, are they at work, what is blossoming in their yards? I thought about my friends here in the eastern U.S. time zone. Who is up? Have they had their coffee, are their dogs or cats tended to, are they already at work? Then I thought of my friends and family on the west coast. Are they sleeping soundly, what are they dreaming? Will they wake to sunshine, or has the fog softly blanketed their neighborhood?
I have to say, this little practice did a far better job at allowing me a sense of connection, than any virtual check in. I think I shall make it a habit...
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