I couldn't sleep last night. I've been having insomnia issues crop up again. This doesn't alarm me...it'll work itself out...but it's rather exhausting.
Oddly, I actually retired at a decent hour, having showered off the day's heat, turning on an affirmation recording when I climbed into bed. Apparently I fell lightly asleep and when the recording ended, my consciousness was once again roused. For the next several hours I tossed and turned and my mind ruminated on a multitude of subjects...from my loneliness (and subsequent sadness) to how I'd like to refurbish my kitchen. By far the most delightful thoughts were on the latter.
I spend a good bit of time in the kitchen. Cooking, medicine making, fermenting and, yes, even processing my black and white film. Now, it's not a bad kitchen as kitchens go. It's quite functional, even with old (but perfectly sound) knotty pine cabinets. But...it's dark (a nice light paint would make a world of difference)...and I don't like the counters (I envision some hard surface with butcher block by the range), nor the sink (I have no idea what the material is it's made from, but it's impossible to get clean)...and a gas range sure would be nice.
Every kitchen I've lived with, I've had ideas on how it could be improved. There were great plans in my head, especially for the kitchen in El Cerrito. Alas, I've never been in the right place at the right time, to enjoy such improvements. So, I've been thinking about what I can do here, without breaking the budget, which could be a vast and lovely change.
Sometimes when I feel stuck, reflecting on what's actually possible...what's honestly within my reach...is a good place to go. It brings up a sense of agency and excitement, pulling me into life as it is. It helps pull me out of a funk (even if that funk has other, more fundamental sources...I know I need to work on those too).
But that's just the physical space...at a point in the future, it would do my spirit good to arrange some kind of regular supper get togethers. I need to find other people who would want to take part. In this time of just getting back to socializing it's a tricky place to navigate, I know. But the couple times over the past month when I've shared food I've cooked with others, at my dining table, it brought me back to a place of balance. I realize just how much I miss that (I even miss grocery shopping for more people than just me). Cooking for my family and my then spouse, brought me a great deal of satisfaction and spiritual sustenance. And while larger gatherings of friends or family might have been more work, the level of good feeling was worth it. Sharing food and nourishing others is fundamental to my being, and I would suspect to most humans. It's one way...a solid, basic, yet very sacred way...to connect.
I'm working to find my footing again. Not only through the pandemic, but since my move several years ago, I've never quite been the same. Truly, I don't want to be the same because change can be healthy and good, but I know I need to find a new way of being that can incorporate these aspects of my humanity that most need an outlet. Anyone care to come for supper?