The Third Act

last day of June...

Well, now, how did that happen??  

The sun has reached its Zenith overhead and will be gradually making progress towards the south.  Heat and humidity have, of course, taken up residence for the next few months, but nothing stops the cycles of nature.  Seriously, it won't be long until autumn shows up, and even before that, the Halloween decorations arrive at Michael's (I'm thinking that's going to happen in the next few weeks!).

I'm supposed to be writing about transformation for my practice today.  I haven't yet set the timer and gotten to it.  But mulling it over in my head, it seems to me that transformation is just another word for change.  We like to think we have "a-ha" moments and somehow become forever different people...more evolved and better.   While there may be special circumstances in which that does occur, mostly our transformations are by the bit by bit method.  And even when we do think we've transformed, old habits die hard as they say and, as far as I'm concerned, these efforts or lifelong.  

But the garden is continually transforming itself, naturally and with great ease.  I'd like to be more like the garden...

 

 

 

 

hot and humid

Summer is here for real now.  Gone are those low humidity/low heat days of earlier in June.  

I tried to get out early to work on the front yard today.  The lawns needed mowing and edging (and were already crazy thick), the garden needed some weeding and cutting back, and in general I wanted to tidy things up.  It was already after nine a.m. by the time I pulled my equipment out, with the heat rising.  Thankfully, the yard is quite shady where I needed to work so it wasn't too terrible.  At one point, though, with maybe only a half hour's worth of work to finish up, I had to abandon my mower and come inside the house to lay down in front of the fan, get some water to drink and a little cup of the watermelon sorbet I made a few weeks ago.  Even then, it felt like my skin was radiating heat for twenty minutes or so.  Then it was back outside to complete the job.

You know, there are few things more satisfying than taking a shower after working in the humidity, having been slathered with bug repellent.  That's definitely a summer experience.

And clearly, Avery knows how to handle a hot and humid day.

 

 

 

 

 

safflowers and sweet peas and carrot blossoms, oh my!

It took forever for the safflower buds to finally open.  I've never grown them before, that I can remember.  They hung tight for what seemed like weeks and then finally!!  The petals can be dried and used as a saffron substitute, but for right now I'm just going to let them reseed to see if I can establish a little patch.

The sweet peas are very late to the party.  I didn't even expect that they would be blooming when it's getting so hot.  But here they are.

The carrot blossoms?  A large pot of carrots sort of gone awry.  But that 's okay because I haven't seemed to get Queen Anne's lace to grow and these are the next best thing.

It seems like there should be lessons for me all this.  Like...  Maybe I'm just late bloomer.  Maybe I can blossom even when conditions aren't stellar.  Maybe there's a part of me that didn't evolve as I'd like, but another part coming into its own beauty.  

Stories I tell myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

it's a jungle out there

Need I say more?

 

 

 

 

A question for the ages...

How long does content live online? I mean, it doesn't matter to me, really. I just find it interesting that this old blog, which was active from 2004 to 2007, and randomly became inaccessible to post to or edit, is still alive.

I started on Flickr on account of this blog, because at the time I couldn't upload photos directly to it and images had to be stored on an intermediary site.  That changed after a while, but by that time I was hooked on Flickr and the rest is that history (and the present).

Still, I think of all the ignored content on the internet and wonder, is it like a plastic bag that's been buried in the earth, that will take an unimaginable length of time to decompose and disappear?  If something is unattended to, will it live forever in the realms of the etheric digital landscape?  What a strange world we've created that lives outside of our physical experience, but is at the time so real to us.

 

 

 

Stranger...

...in a strange land.

The older I get, the more I delight in weird, entertaining discoveries.  Like when my instant camera was angled just so, and even though I had the light setting on the lowest it could go, the image was still kinda blown out...but...a totally random solarizing effect occurred...which made me do my happy dance.  So, of course, I had to try it a few times to see if I could replicate (no, I haven't standardized the method...not by a long shot).  Up until this time I was going for something more traditional, using double exposures, and nothing was working out to align with my vision.  What I ended up with was completely unexpected, but gave me such joy I could feel the creative energy gates open.  

Needless to say (or maybe it needs to be said) I tend to waste a lot of film to get to these discoveries.  In the end, it seems worth the price.

 

 

 

 

what I really want to say is...

That's one of our writing prompts...when we come upon a block or when we're trying too hard to write something good.  And what do I really want to say?  While, in general, the world looks lot better and more hopeful than a year ago...heck, even six months ago...I seem to be struggling just as much or more than ever. (Don't freak out...I mean, I know how to cope and I'm working through my shit...this is just part of the process).  Maybe it's all the, moving-out-of-shelter-in-place mentality?  Or, now-I-really-need-to-do-something-with-my-life judgement?  Or, perhaps, it's just more critical than ever that I find a place where I feel safe and satisfied and content and, dagnabbit, I need to get off my keister and do something about it. But I'm still not sure what that looks like or where it is or...anything!

My body feels like it's falling apart (it isn't), my mind feels like it's betrayed me (it hasn't), and why the hell am I crying so much (actually, that is true)?  Anxiety has ramped up to being at a level 5 (out of 10) on the daily, for an average...meaning noticeable discomfort.  The drugs sorta helped but goofed up my physical machinations, so I'm off...for now.  I'm working on my sleep habits...only a few days in but mild progress...so perhaps I should just be patient.  I'm taking steps to address fears about my body (this is a long standing pattern) by talking to the people I need to talk to, while at the same time talking myself out of doom and gloom scenarios.  And...it's exhausting.  And while I'm loathe to say it out loud, sometimes I really hate not living with a partner.  But then I think, who would want to be with someone like me??  Oy.  You see what my brain does?

So I push myself out into the garden to putter.  I take the dogs for a walk...more than once.  I make pictures of the plants.  I watch videos and look at photos that give me comfort (although that's a mixed bag because it can be bittersweet).  I do the best I can at self care, trying to balance when I push and when it's okay to hold back.  And if I'm bugging you (yes you ) with my incessant reaching out it's because I like you and connecting makes me feel better.

All of that being said, it's another glorious June day.  Glorious in the sense that this is the first June I remember in seven years in Virginia, when there have been multiple low humidity, sunny, warm days.  That is something I'm grateful for.  And there's always some reason for gratitude.

 

 

 

 

A to Z on becoming a crone...

 

Angelica, anise hyssop and agrimony…armfuls of herbs to dry and tincture and add to soup.

Babayaga and babushkas, watching over me.

Carrots, cabbage, and all those anti cancer foods I try to eat every day.

Dearhearts so far away. Dogs, always dogs.

Eyeglasses that seem to need prescription adjustments far too often. Earplugs because concerts are now always too loud.

Fennel and finches. Finery no more…comfort wins.

Gardens, goodies, groceries. Gobsmacked by how much I’ve changed.

Hair, where it used to be and where it didn’t used to be.

Incense, ink, innerwork.

Justice, journeys , journals. Jangly nerves, coffee long gone.

Kermit…I miss Kermit and the children I used to have who are now adults. I have adults.

Longing, love, loose ends always to tie up. Lasting friendships and those that have ended.

Money, mercy, moving my body and maybe my home. Making decisions.

Noise, near sightedness, noodling around with artwork. Never giving up. Now…being in the now.

Open to what will come. Options, opportunities, one sided conversations with myself. Oceans and how much I love them.

Produce, those glorious summer fruits. Panic and how it can overwhelm me. Pleasant evenings watching fireflies. Poppies…lots of poppies.

Questions, so many questions and so few answers. Quacks and my lack of patience for them.

Revelations, regrets, reconciliations. Roving the riverbanks in search of beauty.

Sleep and how elusive it can be. Suffering and how easy it is to get used to. Solitude and what a blessing and burden it is.

Touching and how I miss that. Tea…too much tea in my cupboard for one person!

Unguents, underclothes, undermined by this changing body. Understanding that it’s all workable.

Vaccinations, vacations, very anxious to see the family again.

Woodstove in my art room, waiting to keep me warm in winter.

X-rays and what they reveal of my teeth and bones.

Zenith…allowing that’s this phase in my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

waiting

A list:

It's been a few days since we last had rain. 

The forecast is for mid-day precipitation. 

It's grown progressively darker and slightly cooler since I got up. 

The dogs have been walked and fed, and so have I.  

Yesterday, I coated paper with sensitizer to make cyanotypes.  That won't be happening until the sun returns.

Considering what other options for creative work are possible today.

I'm trying to improve my sleep patterns.  It's going to take some time for that, and for making up for the chronic deficiency I've lived with for, well, years it seems.

The darkness outside is making me sleepy...it's not even 10 am.

The question becomes...more tea?  Or a nap?

 

before it clouded over....

 

 

 

 

 

solstice soda

To be truthful, none of these sodas were made specifically for the summer solstice.  However, I am starting a new one today that will be lemon balm/lime.

These are such fun to make and pretty easy.  I use a ginger bug for an initial starter, but after that, I use the dregs of every older batch to start the next.  I have two lines, so to speak.  A red line from which I've made one batch each with purple shiso, one with hibiscus/thyme and one with strawberry rosemary.  The yellow line has been straight ginger, then ginger/caraway/lemon/honey followed up by the latest, mentioned above, with the lemon balm.

I've been struggling lately with sleep and anxiety and I know that alcohol, even one nice cocktail, can really screw my nights up.  So, these lacto fermented sodas make the perfect soft cocktail.  Four ounces over a large square ice cube, maybe decorated with some fresh herb or a slice of citrus makes it an event!  Plus, there are the potential medicinal qualities in the herbs (hence the lemon balm in the latest, for its calming effects).

It's hot and humid today.  But another cold front is supposedly on the way.  It looks like later in the week it'll be quite pleasant!