That's one of our writing prompts...when we come upon a block or when we're trying too hard to write something good. And what do I really want to say? While, in general, the world looks lot better and more hopeful than a year ago...heck, even six months ago...I seem to be struggling just as much or more than ever. (Don't freak out...I mean, I know how to cope and I'm working through my shit...this is just part of the process). Maybe it's all the, moving-out-of-shelter-in-place mentality? Or, now-I-really-need-to-do-something-with-my-life judgement? Or, perhaps, it's just more critical than ever that I find a place where I feel safe and satisfied and content and, dagnabbit, I need to get off my keister and do something about it. But I'm still not sure what that looks like or where it is or...anything!
My body feels like it's falling apart (it isn't), my mind feels like it's betrayed me (it hasn't), and why the hell am I crying so much (actually, that is true)? Anxiety has ramped up to being at a level 5 (out of 10) on the daily, for an average...meaning noticeable discomfort. The drugs sorta helped but goofed up my physical machinations, so I'm off...for now. I'm working on my sleep habits...only a few days in but mild progress...so perhaps I should just be patient. I'm taking steps to address fears about my body (this is a long standing pattern) by talking to the people I need to talk to, while at the same time talking myself out of doom and gloom scenarios. And...it's exhausting. And while I'm loathe to say it out loud, sometimes I really hate not living with a partner. But then I think, who would want to be with someone like me?? Oy. You see what my brain does?
So I push myself out into the garden to putter. I take the dogs for a walk...more than once. I make pictures of the plants. I watch videos and look at photos that give me comfort (although that's a mixed bag because it can be bittersweet). I do the best I can at self care, trying to balance when I push and when it's okay to hold back. And if I'm bugging you (yes you ) with my incessant reaching out it's because I like you and connecting makes me feel better.
All of that being said, it's another glorious June day. Glorious in the sense that this is the first June I remember in seven years in Virginia, when there have been multiple low humidity, sunny, warm days. That is something I'm grateful for. And there's always some reason for gratitude.
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