The Third Act

permission

I remind myself, it is still winter.  I enjoy winter...the cold and the occasional snow.  But while the sunlit hours are getting longer, darkness continues to dominate.  And I continue a modified hibernation.  

So...I've been feeling more deeply.  More loneliness, more loss and sorrow.  Not so much that it holds me back.  Just enough to notice.

Before I chastise myself, tell myself how good I actually have it, I acknowledge that a solitary life for someone with my wiring can be a challenge.  This is true especially in winter.  I give myself permission to feel all the feels, as they say.  At the same time I dig deep to remember that sprout of my spirit and creativity is still alive and kicking just below the surface.  It will re-emerge.  

Permission to have a spoonful of honey in a second cup of tea.  Permission to take my time before going out to prune fruit trees.  Permission to cry as much as I need.  Permission to bury my nose in a book that inspires.  It won't be long before a switch is flipped and that joyful current will flow again.

 

 

 

 

icy Sunday

The temperature reading the first time I looked this morning was 11F.  That's the lowest I've seen it this winter.  When I let Avery out to do her business it was definitely colder than I've experienced recently.  Bracing, to be sure.

The rain chain off the front porch is covered in ice.  I wanted to get some photos of it, but was still in my pjs and robe and wasn't in a hurry to change.  But...I'm the age at which, what does it really matter?  Who cares?  Perhaps I'm becoming that eccentric old lady in the neighborhood.  Perhaps?  

I started thinking about the old women, the grandmas, from my childhood.  I never knew my own grandmas, my babcias.  But there were a couple old women on our block and my neighbor friends' grandma that felt super interesting to me.  One woman at the end of our street, we called her Grandma Julia.  She lived in this tiny California, post war house on the alley.  I think she was from some eastern European country  or maybe Germany.  Her house fascinated me because the front and back yards were covered with little gnomes and fairy tale scenes.  Inside her house was like a curio shop.  I remember once she gave me a tiny bottle with a piece of fools gold in it (I'm sure I thought it was real gold).  My mom had mixed feelings about her...I could never understand why.

Another neighbor, across the street, was the mother of the man who lived next door.  Her grandsons were some of my early playmates.  There's was a gate from her back yard to her family's.  What struck me about her was the fact that the entirety of her back yard was garden.  There were little paths and an arbor and fruit trees.  She used to have hard candy she would give to us when we visited.  My mom did like her.

Lastly, the neighbor girls' grandma used to live a couple towns over.  I don't know why, but we would often go visit her.  Her home sat on what, to my early eyes, was a huge lot.  There was a gravel driveway, lilacs and grapevines.  It felt like being in the country, but was really just Downey, before all the SoCal infill.  She spoke with an Oklahoma drawl.  I believe she had native American lineage.  I liked her.  Out of the three grandmas I've mentioned, she was the one I actually felt there was some communication with.  My mom liked her too.

So what is it about these three women that resonated with my childhood spirit?  And how does that relate to the old woman I'm growing into?  Well, I think it's obvious...gardens, creativity, and probably just a bit of eccentricity.  I can live with that.  In fact, I can embrace that.

 

 

 

 

Saturday

It's cold today.  A little snow fell during the night, with an hour's worth of flurries at one point this morning.  Now it's bright and sunny, but still super chilly.  Avery and I went for walkies down to the river.  The temperature must've been in the upper 20s.  Since the sun was shining, however, it actually felt warmer than the 40f it was yesterday (with complete overcast).  I was thankful for leftover soup and a warm fire to return to.

 

 

 

soup fixings

I decided to make a pot of multi bean soup today.  It's not as cold out as it was yesterday, but the sun hasn't shown and while out for a walk the chill seemed to seep down into me.  There's been a jar of mixed beans for soup in my cupboard that I haven't used in a while.  That sounded like a good choice.  I simmered the beans with a couple bay leaves and a clove of garlic, adding salt when they were partially cooked.  Later I sauteed onions, sweet peppers, carrots, celery and fresh corn kernels in olive oil...adding black pepper and smoked paprika.  After adding the veggies to the beans, I put in a spoonful of tomato paste with extra water.  It smells wonderful.  I'm letting it simmer for a good long time.  I just remembered I have astragalus slices  and put a couple of those in too for their immune boosting benefits.

I'm tired today...like really tired.  For some reason, even after all the physical work I've been doing in the garden, I'm having a hard time falling asleep. My body just feels tense.  Anyway, I still wake up at the same time in the morning!  So today has been slightly draggy, which means an early supper and putting on pjs to get comfortable is the plan.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

one photo

That's all I'm up to today...one photo.  Two days in a row I've been filling my garden containers and I'm beat.  I even placed more of the wood chips today, because after shoveling and moving dirt, they felt gosh darn light!  I'm happy that I have this much done before more potential winter weather.  I'm getting excited about this year's garden.

So this evening, I'm relaxing by the fire a bit before I go up and have some supper.  I don't know what content will entertain me before bed, since I finished up the most recent episodes of Vera.  I'm sure I'll find something.

Sometimes I amaze myself...the things I accomplish.  Yes, there are repercussions...my wrists and shoulders are a bit cranky.  But oh how thankful I am to this body!

 

 

 

 

 

afternoon

It was kind of cold today...about 37F I think.  Although it was warmer yesterday, today felt better because of the sunshine.  I spent a couple hours moving soil mix to the raised bed containers in the garden.  There was a fair amount of frozen chunks and the the dirt was heavy with moisture.  I have to say, the loads I was wheeling around were definitely heavier than wood chips.  Five out of nine containers are now filled.  I could have continued but it's prudent to be cautious for my body.  It'll be waiting for me tomorrow.

Of course, Avery is always my side kick when I work outside.  We came in and I had lunch and Avery got a treat.  Later we took a short walk.  Then I needed to bring in more firewood.  Tea sounded like a good idea after that.  I don't always do caffeine in the afternoon but there's a scrabble game at a neighbor's this evening (I sound like such a light weight!).  

 

 

 

 

starts

The tomato seeds are sprouting!  I turned the grow light on for the first time.  The eggplant and pepper seeds have yet to emerge.  I'll leave the heat mat on during the night and the grow light during the day.  This is the first year I've gone to such lengths to start seeds.  Putting the pots in or near a window just made for very leggy seedlings, so this should be an improvement.  I'll be planting some dill, parsley and angelica seeds in pots next, but they don't need the same kind of heat as the nightshades, so they may go in a mini green house on the patio.  It's exciting, this beginning movement.

In other garden news, I ordered four cubic yards of soil mix for the new raised beds out front.  Barring any obscene weather, it should be delivered next week.  Devoting one container to greens will be the first order of business, perhaps with a poly cover on them initially.  Getting some poppy seeds going seems like a good idea as well.  I started pruning yesterday and that will continue until I have all the fruiting plants addressed.  

Today has warmer temperatures, but it's gray.  It's not terribly conducive to outside work.  Still, I may rouse myself to do a little something if I can.  Hibernation energy is currently very strong!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

neither here nor there

Well, obviously I am here but it's that time of year during which things are percolating and starting to move, yet the body (and to some degree the mind) still want to hibernate.  I look at the sunshine streaming in on the potted yuzu and the bowl of citrus and feel energy move.  There is a long list of things to work on.  However the ground is hard with cold...even the wood chip pile has frozen chunks in it.  Inside there is painting to be done, art space to reorganize, yet I'm drawn to the imagination phase still.  

I did have a push through moving on a couple tasks I'd been putting off...making calls for appointments and estimates.  There's nothing to be ashamed of in taking baby steps into new stuff.

During a conversation with my son yesterday, he expressed similar feelings in his life.  So, I'm thinking this may simply be part of our normal, human, seasonal response.  We live in a culture that rewards the go, go, go.  That being said, I'm heartened to see an awareness coming to the surface that this may not be healthy (personally, I have no doubt about that).

Today there's beautiful warmth from the sun.  A walk will certainly be in order.  Maybe there will be an errand run later (perhaps even to the garden center to order a load of compost/soil).  It's almost the end of January...there are bulb sprouts pushing up through the soil and the fruit trees need pruning in the next week or two.  The world turns and we all turn with it.

 

 

 

Sun-day

It makes a difference...that sunshine streaming through the windows.  The temperatures should climb to the mid-40s today and I'll be heading out with Avery for a walk soon.

Random note...grief, sadness, emotional discomfort are not linear.  It amazes me sometimes, how my emotions ebb and flow.  That being said, I'm much better at riding the waves than I once was...much more compassionate to myself.  Emotional and physical health don't mean a complete absence of issues, but rather how effectively and even joyfully we can be with whatever is happening.  It's a lifelong devotion.  At least it is for me.

So...yes...sunshine is helpful.

 

 

 

 

pears

I bought a flat of pears from Costco a couple weeks ago.  They're the D'anjou variety which seems to be one of the better keepers.  Like all pears, they're picked green, ideally once the sugar content is high enough.  I assume they're kept in cold storage until being shipped to grocery stores.  When kept room temperature, they'll ripen over a few days to a week or so.  Of course, it can always be hit or miss with pears...sometimes they'll end up mushy when they get soft and, well, yuck.  But the D'anjous seem to be able to ripen better and remain juicy, more so than other varieties.  At least that's my anecdotal experience.

So, anyway, how many pears can one person eat a day?  For this person, one is good (considering how many other fruits I have around the kitchen to consume).  This batch of pears is now all ripe, so I've decided to cut a few of them up and bake the slices in galette dough.  They may cook too soft and probably should've been used for this purpose while they were still firm.  However, I'm sure the results will still taste fine.  I added some lime juice, lime rind and rose essence to the pears (with just a a couple teaspoons of sugar).  Into the galette dough I put some freshly ground cardamom seeds.  Baking shall commence shortly.

It's actually a good day to bake.  I don't do this often...bake a treat.  I don't eat as many flour products as I used to, opting instead for whole cooked grains, or carbs like sweet potatoes.  But it's fun to do and I enjoy it...and a treat every now and then is okay...right?  I know it's ok...I have no qualms about it!