The ennui is strong. Is it ennui...or is it just garden variety depression, or loneliness, or the weight of the world? Maybe it's just the fact that I'm 63 years old and still adrift...what do I want to be when I grow up?
In any case, the sky is overcast sending filtered gray light through the windows. The dog has been out and fed, now sitting to ponder her next course of action, which will probably be an after breakfast nap. The tomato and pepper and eggplant seedlings are seeming to thrive and I hope I haven't started them too early. I look out my kitchen window to see the yard behind me has a tree dressed in bright pink blossoms. A redbud maybe? Mine is just now getting swelled buds. But the little wild daffodils (jonquils? narcissi?) in the front are at their peak...a cheery sight for any winter weary eyes.
What will today bring? Some time in the garden, depending on how motivated I am to spread more wood chips. Perhaps a trip to the big box store for wire mesh and T-posts (for said garden). And dinner...I've been wanting to make something eastern European, like stuffed cabbage rolls, vegetarian style. Do I have enough desire for that? Ennui. There's leftover pizza in the fridge. This is the last time I'll order it from that place (which has fantastic other foods). I had to put extra cheese on it and stick it in the oven for another 20 minutes to make it palatable. Next time I'll bake it myself from scratch. Oh yeah, that bowl of pears needs to be used...I'm thinking pear sauce would be nice. Taxes...there's that too.
In the back of my mind, which I pull forward...gratefulness. I'm safe, I'm sheltered and fed, I'm not fleeing a maniac or feeling threatened simply for who I am. So there's a little bit of guilt for my whining...trying to balance that with understanding and compassion.
Just another day.
Comments