The Third Act

wild carrot

I was going to do a major garden image dump today, but I'm really really tired.  I had a bout of semi regular insomnia last night (I don't even worry about it any more), and expended a lot of energy in the garden and running errands.  Now, I just want to fix some food and relax and hopefully get to bed early.

So, instead of all the garden photos, I figured I'd just feature a few of these wild carrot blooms.  Also known as Queen Anne's lace it's seen in the wild a lot.  But the two I've grown are from seed I bought, and are specific varieties.  The purple one is called Dara, the white one is just labeled as Queen Anne's lace, but it doesn't have the tell tale purple dot in the center (which is what I've seen in the wild flowers).  I'm just happy they grew because try as I might with nursery starts other years, they never thrived nor bloomed.  I'll let the seed dry and just scatter it in place and see what happens next year.

 

 

 

 

it's a good Sunday

It's a gray, cool morning.  What a delight for nearly mid-July, to have the house open during the day.  The rain fell throughout the night, but not heavy or drenching.  I'm taking it slow.  I made a breakfast with fresh fruit, duck egg scrambled with free range/non nitrate kielbasa, and SubRosa wheat toast (this is quite unusual for me, but I figured I'd flow with it).

Now I'm down stairs with incense, candles and my cards.  It feels good.  Here's something interesting...I'm appreciating my aloneness.  I'm not lonely, which is good for me to connect with.  It won't last, I'm sure, but for right now I'm surrounded by good smells, a vibrant garden, a chill canine companion, with nourishing food in my belly and plenty to occupy (or not) my energy.  

Here are a few more Holga images from the roll I shot the other day.  The first couple at the antique mall and the last couple in the garden.  Fomapan400 developed in Ilfosol3...

 

 

 

 

 

random

Summer skies, and sleeping dog.  

I'm just delighted that I shot and processed this film within two days!  Haven't done that in quite some time.  (Trying to create some good routines here, ya know?)

 

 

 

 

 

Friday

I woke up early this morning.  Well, maybe it wasn't that much earlier than usual.  Last night I kept the house closed and the AC on (it didn't actually turn on during the night) so it was quiet and comfortable.  I think I slept better.  But I like the house open and that connection to the outside and nature.  In any case, I think I slept better and when I woke up early I was just...awake.

I looked at my phone and there was some awful story about the some variety of awfulness that's happening these days.  So I went to Instagram and started moving through someone I follow there.  And her story is just so resonant, without being the same, as mine.  Her posts are warm and sensuous and heartfelt.  I realized that some of the people I follow on social media make deeply personal and substantive posts, but reading them on IG is hard because the foot print is so small.  I thought, "I'd love to make a book of these posts" or "why don't they make a book of these posts?" or "I wish these posts were in a larger frame like a blog."  Then I thought, "you know Therese, some times this is simply how a person can do this and isn't it wonderful that it's out there at all, making you feel warm and comfortable and taken care of?"  And it was enough.

So now the house is open for a bit.  It's a little steamy out...I'll close things up in a while and turn the AC on again.  The sky is overcast...more rain?  storms today?  I have a massage scheduled at 11:30, which I desperately need (after seriously tweaking my back earlier in the week).  After that?  I have a roll of film to process.  There will be multiple wanders in the garden.  There are enough cucumbers from out there to put in a dill flavored brine and that's exciting (I live a simple life).

Speaking of lives...and going back to my favorite people on social media...  Some folks seem to have so much happen in their time here that it's like they've lived many lives.  My own life seems so...dull.  Dull?  I suppose that's a bit of a judgement.  Maybe it's just been more focused?  Maybe I haven't had the need to live with such variety?  I start to think, is there something wrong with me that I haven't been an adventurer and so open to experiences?  Is it my fear?  But then...that's a lot more judgment isn't it?

I'm still looking for purpose.  After the kids turned adults and my marriage dissolved, it's just me.  I tend to think I am my purpose now.  I'd like to be okay with that, to accept that I deserve the attention I'm giving myself now...to realize that I can't move forward with the intention and energy that's needed, until I've filled myself up first.  This seems to be the current theme of my thinking.

Today then...a massage...then art...food...then ?

 

 

sometimes it's Avery by the front door...sometimes it's me

I cleaned my little witch altar over the sink last night...which feels good

welcome aging

I'm more and more comfortable with my age, my aging, being a single old woman, embracing my eccentricities, leaning into my creativity, accepting and tending to my heartaches, expanding myself into the spaces that fully support who I am.  It's not always easy...well, most of the time it's not...and it's a long process.  But sometimes, I feel that's my purpose right now.  It's nothing grand and it may seem selfish, but it's forming a foundation in a way that hasn't been done.  I've tried for a long time to build on top of unsettled and less than solid ground.  It doesn't work.  Yes, I'm a late bloomer.

 

 

 

things I love about summer

How the garden fills the entire living room window

Rattly seed pods from poppies

Sunflowers extraordinarily tall

Watching gold finches eat from yellow flowers

Night sounds

Rain

Houses completely obscured by green

Morning sounds

Air conditioning when I want it and wide open windows when I don't

Fans

Fecundity/abundance

Fruit...so much juicy fruit

Home grown tomatoes 

Corn on the cob

Fresh basil

A shower before bed

Feeling the movement of air on my skin as I lay beneath the ceiling fan

the list goes on...

 

 

 

 

after July 4th

My mom used to say, "After the 4th of July the summer's almost over."  Now, living in the hot, humid mid-Atlantic, I know that's not true.  But I understand her meaning...life passes quickly, especially once an event has come and gone.  As a kid, I'm not sure I got it, but I do now.  Tweaks my brain sometimes, I tell ya!

So, here we are on the 5th of July.  I have a family wedding to attend at the end of August.  After that I think it will feel like the summer's over...if not weather wise, certainly by other indicators.  And so 2022 marches on. 

I remember when I was young thinking that in the year 2000 I'd be 41...how old that seemed.  And now at 63?  I don't honestly feel different in my mind, my curiosity, many of my interests.  But yes, every day seems to pass more quickly.  I keep thinking that some day I'll feel like an adult, but I'm not sure that'll happen.  Maybe we're all children until the end, at least if we keep seeking growth and understanding.  Maybe that's not such a bad thing.

More pinholes from San Francisco...(it's been a week since I returned home...does it feel like longer ago than that, or like yesterday?)

 

 

 

 

 

I used to fear flying

There was a time when the thought of an upcoming flight ramped up my anxiety days in advance.  This started after I had kids.  It lasted until about eight years ago or so.  With exposure and the use of anti anxiety meds, I managed to desensitize myself.  I don't need meds any more and the only things that make me unsettled now are getting to the flight on time and making connections.

Sure, I still don't enjoy turbulence...who does?  And yes, some unwanted thoughts of what "could happen" come and go.  But for the most part I like being up in the air, looking down on creation, checking out the clouds, and at night, watching the stars.

I used to have dreams about getting on an airplane.  In these dreams the actual flying part of was missing.  I was one place, got on the plane and then was in another.  It was like I held such fear even my subconscious didn't want the experience.  Isn't that weird?

Now when a person near me on a flight is nervous about it, I can tell.  I have great empathy for them.  If they want to talk, I'll talk.  But mostly they're like I was and go into themselves.  I still send them good thoughts and energy, though, because I understand how it is.

 

 

 

 

 

inside job

It was a good day to stay inside and process film.  I suppose I should be grateful it was hot and humid (at least to start the day), because it kept me from doing yard work again.  Now, there's nothing wrong with yard work, and I obviously enjoy it, but I goofed up my back yesterday with my efforts.  If the weather had been really nice, I probably would have ignored my pain.  As it is I took the cautionary and kind route and processed the two rolls of black and white film I shot last week in SF.  I keep telling myself, the more I do it the easier it'll become to get myself to do!

These are from the Zero69 pinhole camera, on Fomapan200 processed in Ilfosol3.

 

 

 

 

 

summer

It definitely feels like summer now.  Humid and hot...with occasional storms.  So far, though, it hasn't been unusually oppressive.

I spent two hours in the garden this morning.  The poppies really needed to be taken down.  That being said, the process was made laborious by my effort to save the seeds.  I pulled out the plant, stripped what leaves remained and put the stalks, poppy head down, into a paper bag.  It took a while.  If I'm lucky, I'll collect enough seeds to make poppy seed filling this year! 

In between the poppy task, I moved the sprinkler (on low) around to the different vegetable beds.  I'm not finished out there (well, silly me, it's never actually "finished"), but two hours was all I could handle.

I came inside, took my second shower of the day and laid down with a book.  I'm trying to rouse my energy now, to get more done (the continual need to be productive?).  I'll take it slow...and drink lots of water!