After my shower yesterday morning, I was feeling the fat on my body. I weighed my breasts in my hands. I leaned forward and let the fat on my belly fall into my palms. Despite my desire to love my body "as is" there was that nagging voice that said to me, "this isn't good...this isn't attractive." I needed to tenderly capture what I was, let's face it, somewhat repulsed by.
I'm 64 now. I've reached a bit of a plateau in relation to my body. There were a few years of, "Oh my god! What's happening now?" For the most part, though, I'm relatively comfortable physically and able to get what I want done in life. I've gotten used to the quirks and mysteries and do my best to be gentle and kind to those parts.
Over the past year I've had a couple issues that have limited the comfort of my really long walks. I think I've got a bit of a handle on that now, and hope to reinstate those perambulations. Avery has her walk...a sniff walk...and I have mine in which my legs will move at a faster pace. These walks, though, I want to be for my cardiovascular and other systems that benefit from such movement. I don't want to think about losing weight or fat. The current culture is so strong around this idea, even though we have better body positivity. I don't deny it has affected me.
So I look at my new curves, the layer of fat that has expanded beneath my skin and I make the effort to appreciate. I appreciate the fact that I have enough food to eat. I appreciate the extra padding on my older bones. I appreciate that I don't get as cold as I used to. There is a sensual softness about me now...an older lady softness, like that unique aunty of yours that you love to visit because she has lovely food and quirky art and a garden that is full of life beauty.
I will continue to do what is helpful for my health. My body will be what it is. I have genes that come through my ancestors and trust that this physical form will do what it needs to do. I will not look like a gorgeous older model. You know, those lovely women in ads for this and that, who have gray hair but are still stunning and slim. That's not me...never will be. I will look like my mom and grandmoms. I'm okay with that.
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