You can't go back...at least not in the same way. I realized this morning, that despite the threat of uncertainty and financial insecurity, I wouldn't want to go back to where I was when I began this current phase of my life. Even if somehow I lost what I have right now, I would find a way to move forward, not reverse. There are things that I'll always cherish about the before times. But there are also things that have made my inner life, my authenticity and integrity so much stronger on this now solitary path.
I miss my kids, being close to them. I miss the opportunity to be a frequent part of their lives. They, and their partners, are just so darned amazing, creative, smart and compassionate. At the same time, I know there are ways to remain connected despite the distance (and to be honest, I will always feel that connection). And I know that we're all moving forward in our individual lives.
So I've created this life, this space, on the other side of the country, nearing nine years now. I believe it was around this time that many years ago that I discovered this neighborhood and house. It's still a little surprising that I hadn't stepped foot on this property before making the deal to purchase it. I feel there was some unseen hand, a compassionate energy, that guided me. Perhaps it wasn't the perfect property, but it's been the right one for me. And there's just still so much potential.
Healing the heart takes time. Understanding the psyche is a lifelong process. Learning to be tender and compassionate to the parts that feel unloveable or limiting, takes a lot of practice. Getting old is...interesting.
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