The Third Act

Wednesday

I saw my counselor today.  I've been in a blah place for a little while now.  It's nothing outrageous and certainly doesn't require any medication tweaking.  But there's a niggling something I'm trying to figure out.  Mainly, I think it's loneliness.

Now, let me be clear, I have managed to create a great circle of friends here.  I probably have more friends (in my direct vicinity...that's not counting all you's I've known for ages here on the interwebs, you're the best!) now than almost ever in my life.  I've got great neighbors and folks I know I can count on if something goes belly up.  It's a good, solid network.

When I speak of loneliness, it's more about partnerlessness.  The lack of energetic connection on an intimate and romantic level.  I used to think this kind of loneliness was about not having "my someone" if something scary happened (see counting on above).  But when I talked it out, this longing is about sharing lives.  It's about having someone with which to have deep talks, and silly talks.  It's about someone to share meals with on a regular basis and having a sidekick for adventures.  It's about being seen with eyes that can take me in fully.  It's about maybe, feeling that attraction again (I haven't felt attracted in that way to anyone in forever).  

But you know...at this point in my life...seeking that out is frightening in a way.  I can tell I'm averse to the vulnerability I'd have to expose myself to.  It would be great if I wasn't so caught up in my head, but at the same time I'm grateful that I try to figure things out.  Oh yes, being an introvert isn't particularly helpful.  And then there's the whole other ball of wax that has to do with, certainly on a subconscious level at least, feeling far too flawed for any relationship.  It may not be true, but that groove is firmly entrenched in my mental record.

 This is a mental exercise to feel into my choices in life, and the options I might want to try.  I can only do what'll work for me...and I'm not quite sure yet what that is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ruby Joust

Just a few pics of the SCA event I attended Saturday…

 

 

 

 

 

 

drizzly days

It's been gloomy.  Not cold, but gray...and wet.  In theory, this should be a source for delight!  Indeed, the garden is definitely happy.  And while I'm happy for the garden, I can't help experiencing a niggling melancholy (perhaps that should be my middle name?).  It'll pass...it usually does.  It's just kind of annoying.  I understand the sources...more or less...but this post isn't about all that.  Hey, just a little solidarity for those who experience the same thing, ya know?  This too shall pass and all of that.

I did have a fun Saturday, attending my first big SCA event.  The folks from the local group (I know two) were good to see and hang out with.  And everyone I met, very welcoming.  Whether or not I actually join the organization...I don't know.  I always am seeking ways to belong, but never quite find them.  It could be just that my brain wiring makes that difficult...or something...I don't know.  To see so many folks invested in their crafts and their group was lovely, though.  And inspiring.  I took a few pictures, with a few different cameras.  I'll post them at some point in the future.

But here's the garden and my home.  Baga Yaga's hermitage, you know.  It's always a source of joy and gratitude...a touchstone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

just a few flowers from the garden

 

There's still so much kale in the garden.  I made an egg pasta kale dish...quite good!

 

It was a great day to reorganize the tea cupboards...black to the lower right, green on the lower left, and herbal on top left.  I have a thing about tea, I guess.

Saturday

Have a lovely weekend, everyone!

 

 

 

 

wildness

There are a number of areas around my property that are rather...wild.  I think it's good to have wildness even on a small-ish lot.  That being said, I'd like to do a better job at curating these spaces.  So many invasive plants, including what's growing through the fence from my neighbor's yard (granted, it's a small stretch so I can deal with it).  Add the task to my always evolving list of to-do's.

 

 

 

 

it's a gray day

I had planned on finishing up one part of the process for a project I'm working on.  Only...there's not strong enough sun to make prints.  So I went on to the next step with the prints I do  have complete.  Besides, ironing seemed like a good activity for this gray day.

For this blog post I decided to make some instant photos of, well, what I'm doing.  When I looked at the image with me ironing I thought, "I am my mother!!"  She may never had hair as short (or messy) as mine, but boy do I recognize that stance at the board!  Granted, she stood ironing on a very regular basis.  Washing and ironing had their distinct days on which to be done.  Me?  I iron when I need to, which is rare and often, like today, related to something creative.

I think my mom kind of liked it...ironing.  I think she liked to do things that had a rhythm and obvious results.  Although I do remember the iron being sort of banged down as she worked.  Sadly, I don't believe she learned tenderness growing up (not in such a way of experiencing meanness...just not tenderness).  Consequently, I didn't learn that either and have had to work towards that energy.  It's about vulnerability I think...and trust.  I wish had grown to know tenderness as a child, but it's okay...I'm learning now.

 

 

 

 

mid-week randomness

Well, I suppose this is less random than...mostly garden photos!  

The first bread seed poppy opened this morning and that has delighted me to no end.

The common milkweed is blooming now.  It has a subtle sweet fragrance which I didn't expect.

The nigella is really going to town.  I love these little flowers too, which have a rather alien quality, especially when evolved to the seed pod.

I managed to crank out a handful of wet cyanotypes on fabric yesterday.  The results are pretty good and I'm satisfied.  I'm reminded of how fun they are to create so more will be made!

Now I shall hoof it back to the garage to pick up the Fit after its safety inspection.  There were a few items to be addressed and I had an oil change.  Considering how reliable this car has been, no complaints on the expenses.  Plus I'm getting my steps/miles in today!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

working with what I've got

On a sort of follow up to yesterday's blog...  The older I get, the better I come to understand myself, the clearer it becomes that my best approach to life is accepting that my brain works differently than most.  If I have to flit from one thing to another, and all those things actually get done, what difference does it make?  If I have to take the time to bring the run amok thoughts to a quiet(er) place by breathing or sipping my tea in a slightly catatonic state for a while, that's ok.  If I need to make time for daydreaming and imagining, I know that's part of my creative process (I kind of think this is necessary for any creative person, regardless of how their brain works).  If I recognize the combination of an anxious nature and my own special wiring can throw me into a spiral, I can find the tools (and in my case, meds) to help get me to a stable place again.

It can be frustrating and scary at times, particularly living alone.  That's why I appreciate my little community(ies) I've been slowly building.  They don't necessarily take the place of a partner, but maybe they're better...for me.  

The last thing I need to do is judge myself for who I am (and it's honestly often the hardest thing not to do).

So...I have a list of things to get done this week.  I use a combination of writing things down and keeping track in my brain.  Sometimes I don't need to write, but sometimes it's helpful when I'm feeling overwhelmed.  Sometimes I see that, "oh, okay, I can handle all this!"  Ultimately, I need work with what I've got, in a culture that's not always easy on those of us who's brains work differently.  I feel fortunate I can do that.

Home (on the Holga/film)...

 

 

 

 

 

out of order Monday

When I say "out of order" I don't mean in the sense of something not working.  I just mean it's Monday and my energy is all over the place...so I'm approaching my tasks in a chronological order I didn't intend!

There was a set of negatives all dry and ready to go this morning, which I'd processed yesterday.  I get too excited about this sort of thing (well, maybe not "too"...I just get excited).  The intention was to get a lot of other tasks accomplished before I started scanning these.  But, while I had my cup of coffee (because it is Monday and I felt like I needed something stronger than tea) I figured, okay, I'll just scan and edit later.  Okay, maybe I'll just edit a few.  Well, I might as well get them all done.  And so it went!

These were taken at Henricus Historical Park.  I'm going back to that place because there's more to learn.  But anyway, the subject matter worked well with the Holga.  These are on Ilford FP4.  I haven't used this film in ages because it's gotten more costly than my budget allows.  I did, however, treat myself to buying a few rolls last time I made a B & H order.  And oh...I remember why I liked it so well!  Perhaps I'll just keep a stash for special occasions (whatever that means).  The last Kentmere I used (also by Harmon) was certainly satisfactory, so that can by my everyday film (whatever that means).

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday afternoon...

I took a nap this afternoon.  I was feeling a bit off-ish and knew I'd been sleep deficient of late (well, it's rare I'm not!).  Avery had her walk and I had a good walk on my own, clocking in about 4.5 miles for the day.  The intent was to lay down to do some envisioning, but you know what?  Even that takes energy.  Pretty soon I knew I wanted to simply relax...and I fell asleep for a bit.

When I got up it looked so lovely out that I decided to take the camera for a walk around the property.  I love to find the magic in the mundane, and it truly never disappoints.  A kir (with white wine and Chambord) was a good culmination.