I saw my counselor today. I've been in a blah place for a little while now. It's nothing outrageous and certainly doesn't require any medication tweaking. But there's a niggling something I'm trying to figure out. Mainly, I think it's loneliness.
Now, let me be clear, I have managed to create a great circle of friends here. I probably have more friends (in my direct vicinity...that's not counting all you's I've known for ages here on the interwebs, you're the best!) now than almost ever in my life. I've got great neighbors and folks I know I can count on if something goes belly up. It's a good, solid network.
When I speak of loneliness, it's more about partnerlessness. The lack of energetic connection on an intimate and romantic level. I used to think this kind of loneliness was about not having "my someone" if something scary happened (see counting on above). But when I talked it out, this longing is about sharing lives. It's about having someone with which to have deep talks, and silly talks. It's about someone to share meals with on a regular basis and having a sidekick for adventures. It's about being seen with eyes that can take me in fully. It's about maybe, feeling that attraction again (I haven't felt attracted in that way to anyone in forever).
But you know...at this point in my life...seeking that out is frightening in a way. I can tell I'm averse to the vulnerability I'd have to expose myself to. It would be great if I wasn't so caught up in my head, but at the same time I'm grateful that I try to figure things out. Oh yes, being an introvert isn't particularly helpful. And then there's the whole other ball of wax that has to do with, certainly on a subconscious level at least, feeling far too flawed for any relationship. It may not be true, but that groove is firmly entrenched in my mental record.
This is a mental exercise to feel into my choices in life, and the options I might want to try. I can only do what'll work for me...and I'm not quite sure yet what that is.
Comments