I don't know when this happened. It's probably been within the past year. I'm finding myself with a sense of heartfelt appreciation for my solitary life. Probably part of what has allowed this change (since my divorce I'd been in a more or less constant state of not wanting to be alone) has been the development of some closer friendships, some new, some old but which have grown in intimacy. It feels actually very good to be living in a way that supports my nervous system and brain wiring. To be specific, to not deal with noise or sounds or intrusive energy from anyone else. I mean, I love being with people, having people over and having people stay. In the end, however, I seem to need quiet and space to recenter myself. Things change and someday this little hermitage of mine might be too much for me to upkeep. But for now, it's my oasis.
For a long time, I yearned for another partner as well. That has finally passed from my consciousness. Does that mean I'll avoid another romantic relationship? No, not really. But I'm far beyond the point of seeking one out. More and more I'm identifying with the solitary old crone, doing her thing, being creative, living her life, working for a better world in her own quiet, individual way.
And speaking of working for a better world...while it might not seem like much, I'm using this app every day 5calls org. Sometimes the world is overwhelming and it's hard to feel like doing anything is worth it. But I feel I gotta keep trying.
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